Companionship

I’m all alone in a creek bed but it’s alright right now. I cried earlier. In the car of one of the coworkers they were playing MF DOOM one beer and I got sad cause I remembered emo crackbaby. They didn’t notice somehow. He is with us in our hearts now. My co workers don’t really like looking at me except one guy who’s a real one. He looks like the great sage of the forest. I’m sleepy I should probably get out of this creek before I fall asleep in it again. I’m not in the mood to fight a bear for no reason again. Good bye. 

Very lonely and sad

I feel like a character who died in the show and then it kept going without me, only just my memory, but I’m still alive and now just get to live alone down here at the bottom of the ravine. Other characters were holding on to me but they were all gonna fall in cause like the villain was holding on to my leg so I chopped my hand off and fell into the abyss and died. The villain died with me but he stayed dead. I’m canonically dead but instead of just nothing like I’m still here and have to live with being alone. I’ve tried several times to climb back up but I always fall back down here like this is where I need to stay until the author has new plans for me. I miss the noise. I miss my friends. All I hear is dead silenze. Even when there are humans around every sound I hear just feels like the ambient audio track. Or like life is happening, just on the other side of a window. In yugioh there was this like weird glass thing in the sky people would get trapped in and it wasn’t real but they would get tortured by watching everyone they know go about their lives while they get like slowly covered in sand or something. I though about that a lot as a kid when I saw it and now it makes me mad cause that’s basically what’s happening like why can’t fiction just stay as fiction? My heart aches again. Everyone who looks at me is scared. They have fear in their eyes. It’s horrible. I feel bad for them and want to fuck off so they can be happy again. Why isn’t my hair growing out any more it’s stuck short I hate that. I don’t even have to try to be a monster any more I just am by default. If this is what happens when you give up on trying to fight for your soul I want to pick up my arms again. This sucks. I don’t know what to do. “Brain no worky” as they say. I’ve been trying to go to slee for the past fucking 12 HOURS WHAT THE FUCK BUT I CANT CAUSE I KEEP CRYING AND FEELING LIKE IM GOING TO THROW UP. I feel unhinged and like I’m radiating a caustic substance. Homeless essence. The kind of tangy grime that emanates off of them. You can smell the lack of sanity. Maybe only other insane people can though, like parasyte the maxim. The English professor’s voice is stuck in my head it’s so FUCKING annoying SHUT UP YOU LOOK LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AND YOUR EYES ARE SCARY. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I wish the punk rockers never started worshipping the devil and stuff. I could never play undertale cause I will cry the whole time. Or omori. Or fucking anything. If prince was still alive I would love to do the bat dance with him. In a literal sense. 

Good bye back to my box under the train tracks again. The sound of the train violently passing overhead at night fucks with me. Ghosts are flickering the lamp posts. I live in fear. Fuck.  

I found some goth information

 I'm learning about goth culture. 

maybe I should join the vampire goths. 

also: 

its so sad to see a mid-conversion goth like this what the fuck. mother fucking steam punk asses

this one's me ^

____________________

from these deviant arts: 

https://www.deviantart.com/trellia/gallery/all

https://www.deviantart.com/hellgaprotiv/gallery

I’m not dead

The past few months I thought I was dead and that I had died. I felt it. I felt the life pass through me. And it happened a few times not just one. But after like three I waz just dead. No longer a vampire, just a walking corpse. Nothing phases me, nothing scares me, for what is there to be afraid of? I have already died. I walk amongst the living with no fear. Even though I look like a wretch. It feels unnatural. This calm is not really calm. I have lost feeling. I made a post about being goth a while ago and that’s this. When you’re emo you’re very emotional but when you’re goth you’ve excepted that you died and are an undead creature. Goths bear the look of a wild animal that says “what” what are you looking at? I am an animal. This is what we do. They ain’t got no tears left to cry. Maybe not all of them, but I don’t. 

But I am not dead. Something stirs. It’s making plans. Like in legen d of Zelda tears for fears, the depths are still down there. Every once in a while you encounter a chasm to the depths. Sometimes in my time of death I suddenly freak out and feel as if I’ve suddenly been re-awakened and can suddenly feel again. In an instant I feel every rotting vein and artery in my body and the shock is crippling. Sometimes I cry. It sounds absolutely wretched. It scares me and makes me cry more. It’s such a horrifying sound. Other times it’s different. Right now I feel immense blinded anger like I just want to scream and make other horrifying noises for a bit. My arms are hot again like when I had venom. Every sound I hear is piercing and irks me so much I get the fight response. I am in fight response mode, but it won’t shut off. Yes that’s it. And I was just about to submit a job application. All of the sudden I became incapable of anything like every noise was suddenly so loud my organs were being impacted. I fled to a quiet area but I still hear things. I can hear the ringing again. It is wretched. I am waiting for the next time I can allow myself to be happy. It may take a while. I got close recently but was shot down and my wings refuse to come back. The earth is reclaiming me. I have tried not to become a lost cause for many years, but the time has finally come. On a day of such productivity, nothing, has gotten in my way and stopped me. If such a trivial thing as nothing can knock me over at any time, what hope do I have at living in this human world? I feel legitimately insane. It hurts.

It feels like a creature is mind controlling my brain. I miss being a vampire.

I see a human I know (who I’ve mentioned before they were in the castle a few times)  they are becoming s vampire now and it’s so sad. It’s hurts. It hurts to see a precious creature writhing as I once did, and I can’t even really help because I am not even a vampire anymore. Even with experience of being one, I can’t really like. New vampires really can only find solace in other vampires. They need to rage, and scream, and feed. And I can’t do any of those things anymore. I can barely move my withering body. Except during the random attacks I have. I want to enter one where I can scream so I can scream with them again. We did that a few times. Just scream together. It makes me feel like crying. It’s 1/6th funny and then it’s just… I don’t know the word. Poor wretched creature. I pray your friends can hold you when you fall, and can’t get up. 

I can no longer see the future. The timeline just turns black screen. Once this attack ends I will restore the job forms. Whether or not my heart can open up yet, it is beneficial to be a part of this job. 

Good bye. Be well. Become well. Wayward souls. I am routing for you from the dirt and the worms. 

Coincidences

I hate coincidences. Particularly ones that allude to some kind of mystical interference. It’s scary. What is to come? But at the same time oh how I greatly wish something out of the ordinary would commence. Perhaps I have seen a ghost, and if I have and if it is reading this sorry for freaking you out. 

Why am I still alive

After all this time and all that has happened. Why am I still here? Why has nothing come to claim my soul yet. I have beaten the lord of the night, or maybe he won. I guess it can be interpreted either way. Many days I think about murdering idiots but zzzzz what were we taking about in sling flying falling asleep. Ah more neurons ok. Why must a good creature be sentenced to the deep depths but not me? I have not contributed to anything anywhere in the past half year. I’m cold. I hate cold, unless there’s snow everywhere, or if it’s in a place that’s supposed to be cold. Why must I shiver while surrounded by invasive trees from tropical plases “? Aaaaaa my eyes are closing my thensekves. Ah shit I’m gonna fall asleep on the street and get mugged. Gotta get to the castle. Good bye I didn’t even say anything yet but I zzzzzzzzzzzuzzzuzzzuuzsuzsshzzzhzhzzzz