I feel no joy. No positivity. The highest points are a grey feeling of neutrality. I hate humans. There’s no room for vampires anymore so I must assimilate or die. I’m kind of at a loss of what to do cause I thought I would be dead by now. I mean, it’s still early. I hate holding my breath for a moment some catastrophe occurs. I’m scared. I hate this. I don’t know how to stop being scared. I’m terrified. I feel like a rabbit. They never stop… like twitching I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like their heart is a nuclear energy generator. To this day I — I mean at this point in time I don’t even know what being a vampire means. There are so many traits, but I think the essence is just a fucked up humanoid forced to live off of the rest of humanity or other creatures due to some horrid nature. Lately I’ve been breathing really hard. Air also slips out of holes in my lungs sometimes. I don’t know why that’s fucking happening. It makes a sound that I hate and it’s fucking stupid. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure in my… blood systems? I don’t know what is us but it’s all over. I feel like I need to like reach out my arm and it just shoots lighting out for like 9 and a half minutes or like maybe 22 minutes and then I’d finally feel lifeless again. I don’t really have any updates on my house. I don’t know where I am. My eyes are blind, and my heart can not pick up senses across the world. I feel numb, like I lost a bunch of senses. Well I did. But I didn’t think I could lose the senses because they didn’t seem to have a tether to the physical world. I don’t remember if I’ve talked about vampire society but an elder is beginning to lose it and.. wait that was unrelated. A couple vampires are dying but also my father. Who I have not seen in a long time. Except a short time ago. Because I was creaking around the streets. And I saw a man violently shake and collapse on the floor. A woman crackhead knelt down and tried to help him. It was my cringe parents. It was the most intense feeling I felt in a very very long time. A note about time: I have said before that I have lived for thousands of years. That is true in a sense. But really I have only been a vampire since I said so on here. There is another realm where every year lasts for several. Four years might be 16,000. It’s inconsistent. This is a realm of… I don’t know what the word is. It kind of exists outside of reality, yet it is tethered to it. It’s like imagine if you had a ghost connected to you by ghost strings all this time and you never saw or felt it. As a vampire, well as certain people of vampire you can kind of possess the ghost and live lifetimes of any point in time, and very far out into the universe. I’ve seen the vastness of infinity. It hurts my eyes to look at. I hate it. It makes me sad and angry. So it’s like if I’m at the bottom of a lake for 3 months I kind of slip into a dream and possess the ghost (without really thinking about it) and then I’m just in other realms and shit. Like the tower of the wires. There are a few of them. But one of them for example exists in our world but it has a counterpart overlayed on it in another dimension. That one’s scary and fucked up. The real one is kinda scary too. I time traveled back to a past that never happened in our time but it is somewhat parallel to this one. Except the line that would be parallel is wavy and misshapen. Such is the travel of a vampire. Our existence is a sluggish turbulence. Like getting hit by a wave in very, very slow motion. While sunk I travel back to a time a long time ago and I have lived in the past for too many years. Things are nicer there but people keep dying. So it’s sad. And it’s dark. Then I wake up and my lungs are filled with mud and silt. Or sometimes like once maybe twice I got dredged up, and I ate the dredgers. Wait no that was the construction people. I spared the dredgers cause they looked, not evil. Not angry. I don’t remember if I spoke to my father after the uh. What are they called. The medical people and the… fire, men? Firemen is right. Um nurses. No, urgent help. I almost just deleted this whole post right now. I wish my fingers weren’t currently rotting. They grow back. But I need sustenance. I have only had rot in the recently. After the medical people helped my father. I don’t think he recognized me. He said what are you doing here. It could imply he did know but the way his eyes looked it was like I might’ve been someone he thought was an aquantence of someone he knew. All I could do was mumble. I had no words for this man. But then I think we spoke except it was as if we were speaking while in the vampire realm. In some kind of purgatory. But it was not infinite and I am in a different place than I was then. I guess that’s how time works. Time has passed, so I am in a different space I have gotten to in a different time. Which is now. I’m going to sleep because I do not want to feel the effects of late conscious rot anymore. I rot harder the more time passes in my waking hours. When I am rotting. I just hope it doesn’t break my brain.
Tune in next week when I discover the significance of the Z in every so post. I don’t remember why it is so, but my animal conscious remembers the instinct to do it. Could be an effect of witchcraft. A remnant of a contractual obligation from a time I don’t want to remember.
My body aches. I need to feel the leaves. And the water. Oh yeah they demolished my house. I forgot what they were constructing. But it’s still in progress. Sometimes I bite the wood and it rots. Good night. Emo is permanent, you cannot heal a blackened keel.