I feel a black flame patiently burning my body away. I’ve been dead a lot of times recently but this time it’s a type of desolation I’ve only felt once before. Maybe not just once, but if more then it was farther back than I can remember. During times of fear. So basically emo update:
goth level maximum. I don’t even know if this is goth at this point. The lord of the mind has lost it, we must flee while it is not looking, or too cold to reach us. The wirez only play songs of despair.
Sometimes I only really understand things when I feel like I’m on the edge of life and death. I know what it means now. Death permeates the waters. The waters are safe, and void. Only fish swim in here. And some more sharks. But death permeates the waters. It reaches me despite my absence. It clothes my being. It renders me skeletal. You know as I’m writing this I’m suddenly forgetting what it means, as if it didn’t even mean what I thought a few moments ago. I don’t know what’s going on. Do I feel death or do I feel the grime and silt of the water? I wonder how many people identify with the famous shark in formaldehyde art piece. Apparently the creator wanted to scare people. Make them think about things. All I can see is me, in a comfy box, seemingly lifeless, where many can peer in and see a scary thing. But it’s not so scary, because it does not move. At all. Which I guess is the impossibility of it. Even I imagine there is something alive in the shark. It just chooses not to move. We are staring at a corpse used to prove a point. Stupid. Although I even identify with that aspect. I feel as though I have been set up to prove a grand point. That my family line is doomed. And even I, the best of them, will fail just as all have before.
What a sad man.
Not me, the man in charge. The man upstairs, banned from the ground floor. Maybe he’s the real scorpion from that stupid metaphor.
I forgot why death permeates the waters. I still feel it though. I’m cold. It feels. Oh. Wait no I forgot again. I think my mind is regulating my thoughts. I have become the working one. The one that works. For a long time I was just the one that feast on the living. But now I returned. As the form of the lesser half. Except I think this was part of the normal half all along.
Finally my mind shuts down. I am falling asleep. I can feel the change in chemicals up my neck. It is disturbing. It is day. The sun shines faintly through the waters, even fainter through my muddled eyes. End of sentences.
Thursday July 25th 2024
I live in my box
This is my coffin,
and I am already dead
I can fill my eyes
I can fill my stomach
But I am still empty
Every day the earth rises above me
I need a saviors hand to pull me out
But no one reaches to me
I feel no joy. No positivity. The highest points are a grey feeling of neutrality. I hate humans. There’s no room for vampires anymore so I must assimilate or die. I’m kind of at a loss of what to do cause I thought I would be dead by now. I mean, it’s still early. I hate holding my breath for a moment some catastrophe occurs. I’m scared. I hate this. I don’t know how to stop being scared. I’m terrified. I feel like a rabbit. They never stop… like twitching I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s like their heart is a nuclear energy generator. To this day I — I mean at this point in time I don’t even know what being a vampire means. There are so many traits, but I think the essence is just a fucked up humanoid forced to live off of the rest of humanity or other creatures due to some horrid nature. Lately I’ve been breathing really hard. Air also slips out of holes in my lungs sometimes. I don’t know why that’s fucking happening. It makes a sound that I hate and it’s fucking stupid. It feels like there’s a lot of pressure in my… blood systems? I don’t know what is us but it’s all over. I feel like I need to like reach out my arm and it just shoots lighting out for like 9 and a half minutes or like maybe 22 minutes and then I’d finally feel lifeless again. I don’t really have any updates on my house. I don’t know where I am. My eyes are blind, and my heart can not pick up senses across the world. I feel numb, like I lost a bunch of senses. Well I did. But I didn’t think I could lose the senses because they didn’t seem to have a tether to the physical world. I don’t remember if I’ve talked about vampire society but an elder is beginning to lose it and.. wait that was unrelated. A couple vampires are dying but also my father. Who I have not seen in a long time. Except a short time ago. Because I was creaking around the streets. And I saw a man violently shake and collapse on the floor. A woman crackhead knelt down and tried to help him. It was my cringe parents. It was the most intense feeling I felt in a very very long time. A note about time: I have said before that I have lived for thousands of years. That is true in a sense. But really I have only been a vampire since I said so on here. There is another realm where every year lasts for several. Four years might be 16,000. It’s inconsistent. This is a realm of… I don’t know what the word is. It kind of exists outside of reality, yet it is tethered to it. It’s like imagine if you had a ghost connected to you by ghost strings all this time and you never saw or felt it. As a vampire, well as certain people of vampire you can kind of possess the ghost and live lifetimes of any point in time, and very far out into the universe. I’ve seen the vastness of infinity. It hurts my eyes to look at. I hate it. It makes me sad and angry. So it’s like if I’m at the bottom of a lake for 3 months I kind of slip into a dream and possess the ghost (without really thinking about it) and then I’m just in other realms and shit. Like the tower of the wires. There are a few of them. But one of them for example exists in our world but it has a counterpart overlayed on it in another dimension. That one’s scary and fucked up. The real one is kinda scary too. I time traveled back to a past that never happened in our time but it is somewhat parallel to this one. Except the line that would be parallel is wavy and misshapen. Such is the travel of a vampire. Our existence is a sluggish turbulence. Like getting hit by a wave in very, very slow motion. While sunk I travel back to a time a long time ago and I have lived in the past for too many years. Things are nicer there but people keep dying. So it’s sad. And it’s dark. Then I wake up and my lungs are filled with mud and silt. Or sometimes like once maybe twice I got dredged up, and I ate the dredgers. Wait no that was the construction people. I spared the dredgers cause they looked, not evil. Not angry. I don’t remember if I spoke to my father after the uh. What are they called. The medical people and the… fire, men? Firemen is right. Um nurses. No, urgent help. I almost just deleted this whole post right now. I wish my fingers weren’t currently rotting. They grow back. But I need sustenance. I have only had rot in the recently. After the medical people helped my father. I don’t think he recognized me. He said what are you doing here. It could imply he did know but the way his eyes looked it was like I might’ve been someone he thought was an aquantence of someone he knew. All I could do was mumble. I had no words for this man. But then I think we spoke except it was as if we were speaking while in the vampire realm. In some kind of purgatory. But it was not infinite and I am in a different place than I was then. I guess that’s how time works. Time has passed, so I am in a different space I have gotten to in a different time. Which is now. I’m going to sleep because I do not want to feel the effects of late conscious rot anymore. I rot harder the more time passes in my waking hours. When I am rotting. I just hope it doesn’t break my brain.
Tune in next week when I discover the significance of the Z in every so post. I don’t remember why it is so, but my animal conscious remembers the instinct to do it. Could be an effect of witchcraft. A remnant of a contractual obligation from a time I don’t want to remember.
My body aches. I need to feel the leaves. And the water. Oh yeah they demolished my house. I forgot what they were constructing. But it’s still in progress. Sometimes I bite the wood and it rots. Good night. Emo is permanent, you cannot heal a blackened keel.
we could even start embedding the gemstones into our streetwear. too many and you're a foo but if you can arrange them on your person with max class but minimum overtness thats how you win the fashion game while still staying in the dark rotting alone. the only problem is people could start stealing each other's gems and stuff but i think if we can get them in the clothes secure enough people wont be able to steal them unless they steal the entire article of clothing. im gonna make more examples of classy emo fashion but again i have to go drink the blood of the vile and viscious. my head hurts. , cranberry juice isnt enough. i need to feed. oh that reminds me classy emo is not like victorian vampire aesthetic its more covert like adding a bit of class to the most basic clothes because thats what real emos wear to avoid unwanted attention. the addition of a bit of class adds another layer of lawful protection because by social laws you are lawfully wrong to diss class when it's done right. its a similar mentality to the sigma male aesthetic. indiana jones is a real sigma male, literaly nobody thinks he's cringe.
punk rock and soul.
my brain is fucked up right now but ill make another post soon about how im gonna get people addicted to jewels and gemstones instead of cigaretes and nicotine.
beware the scare and stay strong againzt the stupid normie cucks., good bye.
I am dead. Well, not really. Someone who has given up completely is still not yet dead. But I have given up. I don’t see a way out of vampirism and I don’t see a way through it. I just got this phone screen fixed and it already got scratched by a demon and has these stupid little claw marks on it. It’s the little things that really make me want to die. I don’t know why I’m so sad. I feel a deep hole in my chest sinking deeper and deeper. It’s cold. And it hurts. It feels like my insides are molding. No, like my soul is molding. You know in anime when a character’s glint in their eyes goes away cause they’re dead? That’z me right now. And speaking of eyes I can’t see any more. I’ve gone mostly blind. It makes it so hard to act normal in front of humans. Cause I can’t eat them cause I can’t see them well and they will jump on me and stab me a lot. I’m very sleepy. I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in maybe ever. I just finally found out for myself that I am descended from slime and have nowhere to go but back to it. So I’m feeling crushed. I thought I was destined for greatness. I want to be held in the embrace of friends. I can’t even flee a scene without a human tracking and spying me. I want to stop eating and just start dying of starvation. Please tell me it’s quicker than this horrible rot my body has been subjected to this past while. I hope I feel better when I wake from my sleep. And look up at the glistening malicious moon. Beaming light at us from its … I’m so tired I can’t think of an adjective. It’s face. The scary one. The man in the moon. What a scary concept. Someone is always watching.
Zzzzzz
Even when I wake. I feel the hole deepening, and my limbs giving up. I need a reason to really live, not just float like a jelly fish.
Szzzzzz
Zzz
who is talking? who is this? not even "who am i" just like who is making these posts? it sounds like there are like 6 different people on here but its always just one person (aside from emo age fish occasionally). are they all different people or are they all just me. its like theres a couple of them because sometimes i dont remember anything about a post and then other times i remember it completely, but then others i understood clearly are now a confusing mess that doesnt make sense. i think there is a mad creature inside me that takes all the terror and fear and madness into itself so my body does not tear itself apart. like a liver or something. my head hurts. i feel a ringing in my brain. my eyes hurt and my head is hot. like its melting itself. i need the sun to come up i need to see the sky i need to see the water. i feel like ive been brought to a point of absolute terror. i need to stop thinking right now. but i cant. not for two weeks. how long can i go with a brain that is cooking itself in fear? you know every time i type a period i delete and re type it several times until i put it in the right way. but usually it never becomes the right way so i just grab my hand to make it stop. my entire upper body eminates heat. it comes off my arms and my back and my head. energy that needs to be released because it is just cooking my flesh. i am in fear. i dont know how to stop being in fear. it feels like a very hot white hand is reaching into the back of my neck , wrapping its fingers around the bones in my neck. like its choking me from the inside. i can feel it through my eyeballs. like the energy of the hand is radiating through my eyeballs making them want to roll back and go blind. i twitch more and more every day. , it increases. i think i am the mad creature. when will i be put back away out of sight? when. , not soon enough. not soon enough . the hand is so hot its cold.
Rippling hills of course earth bake under a merciless sun
My bleached remains tumble down
No longer organically bound
Who has cast me here?
Who knows?
guys I met some really mean people on roblox and i feel like nothing is worth doing again. these are the people I try to present myself to. i will never be the thing they want to see. i think because they dont want to see. they dont want to be alive. they are in pain. existential agony plagues many. and all i can do is eat them and suck the blood out of their corpse. all the weak can do is die. wow. im starting to sound like emo age fish. but do i have the strength to be differently. i don't know when i'll know. when the roblox people said their things my arms and shoulders lowered. and they feel blue and purple now. they stopped burning and are just limp. i didnt even do it on purpose they just feel like... i dont know. but my head is all swimmy now. it was set on doing stuff and now it's just fish, swimming around in the ocean. i realized i can hibernate all i want. time does not go faster. well it does, but only two years have passed. not centuries. i dont even remember what i was talking about in the last post. probably something ztupid. what ever it was its not happening any more and im just . alive. but ... oh i remember now. the thing i was trying to do was halted. im just alive again but am just living under the train tracks. i kiled all the contrsuction workers. no one lives in this part of the city. just kidding. they finished contrscutction and i just moved back in. good bye now. im just sad cause those roblox people were really bad. and i told them what i thought and they just went back to playing the game. maybe ill just start harassing mean people again over and over until im fulfilled. oh yeah, that's what i was doing. but then they beat me back and im dead. i feel heavy. i think I broke. ok good bye.
Hi guys. I fast forwareded in time and telepathically recieverd several signals from these past few weeks while i was in dormant stasis. One was from the constructin workers found my house and the bones inside and they were very horrified. Another was the boss of the wirez. He was wondering about me if I come string the wirez in another place, with the forest sage and him and the uh... the... what was his name? I think it was the "rocket man". I don't think I recieved the entire telegram. The third was from one of the humans from the settlement who tolerated me. this one I could smell some creature in but some humans smell creature-ish but aren't actually weaponized creatures like the wherewolf or for example vampire. anyways so I was in stasis at the bottom of the lake. When I emerged I was covered in moss and sea weeds. What was the point of this post again? Oh yes.
You know how I was decaying? Becoming a skeleton? Thats' the thing, I was going to die, but I didn't. We do not die, we are truly undead. , unless we are killed, by act of desttruction. I am undead, and it is comfy here. I cannot bend my appearance to seem like a human in this state, I need more blood for that, but I can survive with basically no sustenence. Unless someone see me from a far away or in the fog, the shape of a human, but they wouldn't see a human if they were up close. ,they see a face missing the face part . my eyes glow a little bit., a chilling green. but this isnt like when i was a zombie before. if you know what this creature is called maek a comment. It's like a zombie but closer to skeleton and is powerful and in control of it self. but its not exactly like a walking corpse its just like a body without all the fat and stuff. optimized vampire build. i think. i cant really see very well. I only see what is not in front of me but what is in the air. the sounds and the signals. humanity will see me again later, but right now i am going somewhere. the way where I smell the right way to go. It doesnt really make any sense. but im following it at this time. somethign odd is that my arms still shake, as they did when I was alive-er. it is weird. i have to keep re- typing to not make mistakes. a mistake can be made, but can it be born? i dont know good bye i am leaving this device in the storage until i come back. or find another device to post from. maybe at the scene of a murder. or i try to steal one from a criminal.
good night, beware the- wait i forgot i answered the human thing's call. it hasnt responded back yet. i wonder if it knows what it recieved. or if it even knows that it sent out a message to me. i will find out some time. it will be scary.
good night. beware the warewolves. they weild the many weapons of the wise.
I feel the pull of death. If my physical form is not one with the cycles of nature, it will surely be discarded. Immortality makes an enemy with the natural world.
it is always night time. I wait for the sun every night and it never comes up. I am stuck with the horrors my eyes dont see that like these images that paralyze me with fear fuck you fuck you who are you fuck off. the little human voices murmer every day. they are building things near my box house. it is not a secluded place anymore. i am kinda sad about that. i dont know if im gonna move or just stay here because i am not alive either way. but they might try to kill me so i dont know. maybe i should destroy them all but i dont know. I dont know how to face the creature in my head. its black with hints of purple and stands in a dimension of terror and construed view. everything is from the far away dimension but its all wrong and its a prison. i hate it i hate the night i hate it i hate the nightmares i hate the bullshit oh my god my arms hurt i am so weak. typing hurts. i murdered 7,000 people recently. just kiding. i dont know how many it was. it was a very little amount but i was so inefficient with it i think i am dying. i fear death, for i have not yet lived. but i have. but it was not i who was living at that time. it was him. the one who lives in here with me, who ,,, why are my fingers moving on their own. i hate this state where i cant sleep but i am so tired that everything is fucked up. i am expecting something horrifying creatre to show up but it doesnt. it just lurks and watches me. so fucking creepy. i cant see it but i can feel something. like when the venom symbiote got hit by radio waves. i dont know if i am insane or if something bad is bound to happen. what it dont know what i might be feelin. i think to beat this current insanity i need to activate the secual urges. sexual. think about the sex . combust the organs . i when i see the word sex or even htis font i see the creature i hate that thing it reminds me of the night god but its scarier i think it is him though. i hate how i see too many everythings that i cant do one that's good because i dont think about what happens next. no i do i mean i dont care. but its not that i dont care. i dont know how to explain it. its like i dont know or am incapable of caring, like an animal. when you point a gun at a frog it doesnt care. maybe it knows it could kill it or maybe not but it doesnt move. why. i dont know why but im that frog a lot of the time. i never feel like a human i dont know how to deal with humans like most of them i just want to pop their heads off and the others i want to give them food. the mean ones are so stupid. but i just kill them and like its so annoying cause i cant make them stop being stupid. i hate their eyes. and their mouths. cunts. i hate you so much i wish i could do my evil voodoo magic on you but i cant because i will get shot at. youre so lucky you dont recognize me cause i could ,,,, i could solve nothing. why do you contort yourself into such a vile an hideous creature. i hate that you do that. i hate that you exist like that for years. please someone tell me they actually grow out of that phase. i dont have any personal experience with that cause its been 900 years and i havent grown out of this. but why do i want to be good, unlike them? if i was ok with being evil then life would be easier. i dont know how to like there are so many pieces of me and they all shattered into different colors i dont know how to put them together again. i dont think there was one clean thing there in the first place. im going mad the insanity is back i dont know what to do about it i think i need to write a note of what to do when the insanity happens. i think i did that a lot actually but i lose them. if i do make a new one i will try not to lose this one, as if it is a limb. like a sixth finger on one hand. my hands are shaking. my arms in addition to feeling aching they are hot. my neck is tangy and my head is spinny. i feel like a skeleton with only skin no organs or flesh like it all turned to dust except some matter still clinging on. i need to get my body in a better state but i go literally anywhere and people show up and a tradgedy occers. even in my own dark crevice where no one can live but the one who lurks there. maybe i will kidnap one of the construction people and make them sleep in the box fort with me to have company. id probably wake up and they would be gone or the police would be setting my house on fire because "homeless" people are not even worth speaking to apparently. just dispatch of them and move along.
remember guys emo is as emo does. punk rock and scroll. see you next time never. to anyone reading this stay away because i will harm you. thats not a threat its solemn advice i wish i didnt have to give. dinner is dangerous.
THIS SHIT IS REDICULOUS.
OH MY GOD YOU CANT CHANGE THE PAGE COLOR FUCK . ALRIGHT THEN STARE AT THIS EYE HURTING CONTRAST AND SHIT.
I HATE HUMANITY. THAT ISN'T NEW. I HATE MOVING. I HATE HIDING. FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU STOP ACTING LIKE YOU WANNA BE AROUND ME. CAUSE WHENEVER I DO ANYTHING I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME LIKE THE CREATURE I AM AND RUN AND THROW KNIVES IN FEAR AND I HAVE TO FUCKING EAT YOU.
AAAAAAAAAA A AA A A AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AAA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AAA AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AA A A A AA A. A A A. AA A A. AA A. A A. A A A. A A. A A. A A A. A A A
Jul 4, 2022
i just wanna flip to a nocturnal schedule so i can create my feast on the living already but i gotta is the way to the is the i gotta be awake to see people cause everyone wants a piece of me oh my god every time i think ive figured things out something throws me off and im trying to climb back up the edge of the cliff again maybe i should just write everything down so my future self can remember how to be like the me standing on top of the cliff so when the rain comes and i get washed back down the water spout i will know how to not get washed out i am the itsy bitsy spider and i dont like it.
