Why

What is the worth of a life if it can so easily be thrown away? What is the worth of a relationship if it can so easily be thrown away? If every way we interact with each other is strategic or out of need, does who you are even matter? I have discarded so many human lives as if they were nothing, and nothing has come of it. We don’t live in a world of characters and arcs, we live in a world of creatures that die and nothing comes of it. You could just trip and fall and die on a good day and you would be dead. Then people say well that’s the beauty of life is it’s fleeting. The impermanence of everything is what makes it beautiful and have worth. People also say everything is fugly and horrible and there isn’t a single circle peg for the circle hole, only squares. Everything is jammed in and partially destroyed in the process. Humans are ugly creatures and shit. Children die every day, they are not ugly they never got a chance to be ugly and even if they did you dumb fucks still come up with ways to enjoy or approve of fugly things. I don’t know what to think anymore and it seems like there is no one to turn to for answers so I just wanna stop thinking. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live in civilization either. And I don’t want to be a freeloader so what the fuck do I do? Live out in the woods or up in an abandoned castle and play with the mice and spiders and eat the liver of small animals? I am reminded of the scene from the matrix where this guy says the steak isn’t actually real but it tastes like real steak and it’s good so he wants to stay in the matrix. I would too but I don’t know how I can live peacefully here anymore knowing that everything is fake in some extremely roundabout way. They say drugs can physically lower your IQ. I don’t know what affect they would have on a vampire but if I descend any further I shall turn to drugs, fry my mind, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to live in my own skin without the feeling of my soul violently trying to escape every day. 

I’m going to go back to doing nothing of value to atone including myself now, beware the… beware something. Maybe there’s always something to fear.