Why

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I just learned what the word scorn means. That's me I am scorn. I have been the object of scorn for some time now. I hate the living creatures. 

Hell, eternal Hell.

Hell, eternal Hell, eternally. pain. ouch. the screeching the scrreeaaaching the ringing the dintnigngningigdiningnidgnignidnigdingdigdingdni the wires the wirez the sounds the loud souds the cold the war the cold the old war the lord the sword the sights the sounds the wires the strings the cuts the slicing the theivery the blood the dust the death the desolation the skulls the death the murder the killing the assault the loss the fear the horror the death the loss the fear the horror the death the loss the sharks the water the eternity the water the age the teeth the sharks the fins the swimming the eternity the age the ages the age the death not a trace not a trace only teeth just the teeth everything borrowed everything stolen everything taken everything swimming everything spinning everything chirping and warbling and writing books and screaming and running over people and throwing things and dying. 

nowhere to run nowhere to go nowhere to escape to nothing to run to no place to escape to no point in fast forwarding when it all comes back to death and blood and fangs and murder and silver bullets and plans and scheming and flesh and blood and insects and murder and death and horrors. it it it is horrifying. it scares me. the monkeys. the monkeys on the walls. monkeys with spears. monkeys running. running forever. bones and blood and death and weapons and war and loss and irrigation and water and screaming underwater and crying and throwing things and running and getting shot and and standing in front of tanks and writing songs about war. 

Hell

Why are all the nightmarish horrors I so fervently tried to clear from my head appearing in the real world? Early AI generated images are just straight up horrific to me, not only because of that shit about their effect on society, but also just cause they’re creepy as fuck. The way they never quite get everything right, and always fuck up faces and shit, it’s just straight up body horror. When I waz young sometimes I laid awake in bed and pressed on my eyes in tension from fear and writhed and my brain produced an onslaught of horrific images and they looked very similar to the AI images. So every time I see them I feel an innate horrific fear and insanity and want to just start tearing apart the landscape around me. They’re getting less creepy but stupid cunts who make horror games and stuff will no doubt use AI to create shit they’re too cunty to think up themselves. Curse this mind for being a forge of horrors. Curse it too for being a foundry of light that cannot freely escape its walls. I despise humanity.

Aside from horrific imagery, absurd scenarios I could only imagine have now been happening before my own eyes. Imagine someone died a few days ago and someone in your class says “bro got sent back to the lobby” with no shame. And you wait for someone to say “what the fuck is wrong with you?” But no one does. There are low mumbles like “dude’s fucked haha”  and some people quietly express their disapproval, but no one gives a shit to try to correct the despicable thing. The professor just stared and said “wow” and continued his ranting. 

And a few years ago when a maniac sensually dragged a knife up my spine. I didn’t even murder anyone. My appearance alone was enough of an excuse for him to take the cap off his bottle of aged depravity. Every night I think about how I should have torn the tubes from his neck, and incinerated his sperm, so that he may never disgrace the earth with his children. An immense regret I cannot live past. 

And the lack of discretion around children. This may be more debatable but I think that in relation to specifics of our culture, children should not be exposed to such immense vulgarities and pollutants. There are nine year olds running around sipping nitrous oxide or whatever that air soft canister shit is while they say every swear word in and out of the books at everyone. Get out of the road with your bike, you have a bike lane, and how dare you fucking swear and throw shit at the drivers you’re causing problems for? It’s so sad. It’s like everyone constantly needs an extreme outlet. I mean look at me, I violently consume the blood of criminals. I scream at the sky, I tear up the earth. Most other people are now just doing the same. But they’re not strong enough to try to minimize their damages on others. Everyone is a wretched creature, in pain, and I hate that. I’m supposed to be an outlier. This is not how everyone is supposed to feel. I hate this country. I hate the indifference to declination. The boat is sinking but most aren’t alive enough anymore to care. 

I hate hearing “it’s not your job” because I want the job done and if I won’t do it then no one will. I do not wish to live in mediocrity. I fucking hate it. If I have the power to make things better then let me do my work because most of the time I can’t. I could do so much more if I wasn’t eternally FUCKED IN THE HEAD. I have every capability and moral to save the fucking world but I don’t because when I put things into practice they GET TAINTED BY THE MADNESS AND WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC COMES OUT AS AGONIZING SCREECHING. I NEED THE SUPPORT AND POSITIVITY FROM OTHERS TO BE WELL ENOUGH TO THRIVE BUT EVERYONE I KNOW IS ALSO IN NEED. A BUNCH OF EMPTY WATERING CANS RATTLING AROUND IN A DESERT. OH, HOW I AWAIT THE RAIN. 

A SICKNESS HAS TAKEN HOLD OF MY BODY AND I WANT NOTHING ELSE THAN TO JUMP INTO THE WATERS AND FREE MYSELF FROM THIS DECAY AND FILTH. 

How am I still alive? What is keeping my cells together? Who has decided that I may continue to live? Is it God?

Resting

I have fallen into the depths of despair. My body is too damaged to move. I lay here in the pit and I think about how I could be even lower. I think every thing is getting reconstructed. Oh dear lord I have work in a few days. Maybe that will help. I attended college for a bit and they gave me money since I live under the train tracks which was cool. I didn’t do anything but show up to class for like 2-3 months. I think they’re gonna kick me out now. I don’t show up anymore. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. So I don’t go out to the lake. I stand at the cave near the shore and look out into the horizon. But there are only so many things you can see from the opening of a cave. I can feel myself turning into a male, like my parents wanted. Well, not really anymore. I did for a bit but now I just feel sad. Sad that I failed to return to humanity. But there are more attempts to be made, so I will not turn to alchahol yet. Why must I feel like that why must I chase the cat? Nothing but the dog in me. 

I feel weird. My arms are heavy and cold. My legs don’t want to move. The darkness is cold but comfortable, like snow. When it snows sometimes my box house under the train tracks gets covered in snow and it gets very comfy. But it still smells like dead animals and their guts. So I get sad, and think about all the rats that didn’t make it back to the horde. I ate some of them. I feel guilty. 

It is lonely being goth when no one is there to see it. To stare back at you with lifeless eyes. Or eyes with life. Those ones are scary. I tried to make friends with some birds. I saw that they were good friends so I made them all a bird house so they wouldn’t die in the snow and sleet. I am too big to fit in the bird house with them but they’re happy. I don’t know if they understand me or if they don’t want me around but they’re just birds and I’m an animal so I left them alone. Every once in a while I see how they’re doing and they’re birds you know? I feel awe and infinity and despair watching them. 

I don’t know when I want to leave this hole but for now I am dormant and defunct. Maybe I will just sleep and enter a deep dream and not wake up for a very long time. If I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by. What does that mean mariah carrie makes no sense sometimes. 

I don't wanna go outside anymore

So yeah I don't really wanna go outside anymore. No one wants to see me. I don't want to see them either. I tried to join hands with the world but neither of us are really interested in each other so I'll relieve them of the annoyance of pretending to be alright with me. I've lost a lot more interest in connecting with people. I ain't a square peg anymore I'm a kalaidascope peg or something. only people I can really be with without this extreme tension of pretending to be something I just aren't. I dont wanna make this post anymore good bye.