Resting

I have fallen into the depths of despair. My body is too damaged to move. I lay here in the pit and I think about how I could be even lower. I think every thing is getting reconstructed. Oh dear lord I have work in a few days. Maybe that will help. I attended college for a bit and they gave me money since I live under the train tracks which was cool. I didn’t do anything but show up to class for like 2-3 months. I think they’re gonna kick me out now. I don’t show up anymore. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. So I don’t go out to the lake. I stand at the cave near the shore and look out into the horizon. But there are only so many things you can see from the opening of a cave. I can feel myself turning into a male, like my parents wanted. Well, not really anymore. I did for a bit but now I just feel sad. Sad that I failed to return to humanity. But there are more attempts to be made, so I will not turn to alchahol yet. Why must I feel like that why must I chase the cat? Nothing but the dog in me. 

I feel weird. My arms are heavy and cold. My legs don’t want to move. The darkness is cold but comfortable, like snow. When it snows sometimes my box house under the train tracks gets covered in snow and it gets very comfy. But it still smells like dead animals and their guts. So I get sad, and think about all the rats that didn’t make it back to the horde. I ate some of them. I feel guilty. 

It is lonely being goth when no one is there to see it. To stare back at you with lifeless eyes. Or eyes with life. Those ones are scary. I tried to make friends with some birds. I saw that they were good friends so I made them all a bird house so they wouldn’t die in the snow and sleet. I am too big to fit in the bird house with them but they’re happy. I don’t know if they understand me or if they don’t want me around but they’re just birds and I’m an animal so I left them alone. Every once in a while I see how they’re doing and they’re birds you know? I feel awe and infinity and despair watching them. 

I don’t know when I want to leave this hole but for now I am dormant and defunct. Maybe I will just sleep and enter a deep dream and not wake up for a very long time. If I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by. What does that mean mariah carrie makes no sense sometimes.