I feel guilty for not helping everyone I could've helped if I wasn't dying like this. theyre still alive, and theyre crumbling, because no one is around to help. but they thought i could help. i think i need to explain they were wrong. but they dont see that. they try to find ways to not be wrong, and then dig us both deeper into a hole. i just hope someone please shows up and helps those people. fuck. 

I can't sleep so I can't heal. The pain, the terror, and fear. It lives here. in my head. it makes everything scary. it's what makes everything not happen. I need it gone. it doesnt leave. i need chemicles to hinder the constant regeneration of my tainted cells. when they do not grow in the brain, when they have no power, I am alive. I am only alive once every few thousand years. humanity accelerates so much inbetween them. i feel like every day is in a new era. because there are thousands of yearz in between those days. thousands of years of the vampire. the one that does not live., but works to keep another alive. one that has already died a long time ago. but it still exists in here. so i have to utilize it, because i do not live without it. the blueprint for what could be, the only way i know there is something more than what is. 

i dont even remember what it means to feast on the living. i dont know if i killed people or if i just killed bad guys or whats up. i might have to read previous posts to know what it really means. some people look at me with good eyes but i dont know if they also forgot or if they didnt see it or whats happening and i dont even know if they see the filth and bones through the layer of the water. what do they see from up there. i dont know if the construction at the wherever it was has completed. i havent seen outside the air in a long time. i dont think theyre done though cause i still hear odd sounds that dont make any sense. i dont like being inactive because all it does is make time pass. nothing gets better. when i put my foot down all im really doing is preventing myself from taking a step forward. or a trip and fall. nobody is going to dredge me out but me. i wonder if this blog platform will get deleted some day and nobody will even know i was ever down here. remember google +. i remember it. i also remember everything else i had to move stuff off of because it went kaput. archiving data is exhausting. especially when you're underwater. and covered in filth. i hate these little bugs that have scary faces that look like theyre gonna bite me. i dont know what they're called so i just call them motherfucker bugs or something. 

i dont know what to put as the closing sentence. i miss ketchup ass. thats a person. 

No future for a broken immortal

Guys I realized I have taken irreparable damage and was also fucked up from the beginning. So now my body is just stuck like this unless I can find some kind of miracle. You might think there’s plenty of time, but I may be immortal but my mental state is not. When vampires get really old, they get crazy. Except for maybe Dracula. But that’s probably because he dies and regenerates himself every so often. Other foos don’t really do it like he does cause they’re skrubs. I’m basically doomed to get really crazy really fast or live in constant agony for millennia while trying to find a miracle cure. I could also try destroying my brain. But I don’t know how it would grow back. I’m scared if I would only make it worse. It’s like knocking on a television to get it to be clear again except far worse chances of success for this than that. I don’t know what to do and I’m really scared and sad. I don’t remember what the wirez are. I forget a lot and I try to remember but it’s not there. It’s very stormy and scary above the surface of the water. But it doesn’t reach down here. I don’t mean that metaphorically I mean it is really like that like the weather right now. But it’s stupid cause maybe that’s applicable to what I’m talking about. Dumb coincidences or I find too many coincidences others may not even think about. I don’t know. I’m going to sleep. It’s the only mostly safe and successful way to refresh my brain without damaging it. 

Emo is dead, pour out your bowl.