The past few months I thought I was dead and that I had died. I felt it. I felt the life pass through me. And it happened a few times not just one. But after like three I waz just dead. No longer a vampire, just a walking corpse. Nothing phases me, nothing scares me, for what is there to be afraid of? I have already died. I walk amongst the living with no fear. Even though I look like a wretch. It feels unnatural. This calm is not really calm. I have lost feeling. I made a post about being goth a while ago and that’s this. When you’re emo you’re very emotional but when you’re goth you’ve excepted that you died and are an undead creature. Goths bear the look of a wild animal that says “what” what are you looking at? I am an animal. This is what we do. They ain’t got no tears left to cry. Maybe not all of them, but I don’t.
But I am not dead. Something stirs. It’s making plans. Like in legen d of Zelda tears for fears, the depths are still down there. Every once in a while you encounter a chasm to the depths. Sometimes in my time of death I suddenly freak out and feel as if I’ve suddenly been re-awakened and can suddenly feel again. In an instant I feel every rotting vein and artery in my body and the shock is crippling. Sometimes I cry. It sounds absolutely wretched. It scares me and makes me cry more. It’s such a horrifying sound. Other times it’s different. Right now I feel immense blinded anger like I just want to scream and make other horrifying noises for a bit. My arms are hot again like when I had venom. Every sound I hear is piercing and irks me so much I get the fight response. I am in fight response mode, but it won’t shut off. Yes that’s it. And I was just about to submit a job application. All of the sudden I became incapable of anything like every noise was suddenly so loud my organs were being impacted. I fled to a quiet area but I still hear things. I can hear the ringing again. It is wretched. I am waiting for the next time I can allow myself to be happy. It may take a while. I got close recently but was shot down and my wings refuse to come back. The earth is reclaiming me. I have tried not to become a lost cause for many years, but the time has finally come. On a day of such productivity, nothing, has gotten in my way and stopped me. If such a trivial thing as nothing can knock me over at any time, what hope do I have at living in this human world? I feel legitimately insane. It hurts.
It feels like a creature is mind controlling my brain. I miss being a vampire.
I see a human I know (who I’ve mentioned before they were in the castle a few times) they are becoming s vampire now and it’s so sad. It’s hurts. It hurts to see a precious creature writhing as I once did, and I can’t even really help because I am not even a vampire anymore. Even with experience of being one, I can’t really like. New vampires really can only find solace in other vampires. They need to rage, and scream, and feed. And I can’t do any of those things anymore. I can barely move my withering body. Except during the random attacks I have. I want to enter one where I can scream so I can scream with them again. We did that a few times. Just scream together. It makes me feel like crying. It’s 1/6th funny and then it’s just… I don’t know the word. Poor wretched creature. I pray your friends can hold you when you fall, and can’t get up.
I can no longer see the future. The timeline just turns black screen. Once this attack ends I will restore the job forms. Whether or not my heart can open up yet, it is beneficial to be a part of this job.
Good bye. Be well. Become well. Wayward souls. I am routing for you from the dirt and the worms.
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