Very lonely and sad

I feel like a character who died in the show and then it kept going without me, only just my memory, but I’m still alive and now just get to live alone down here at the bottom of the ravine. Other characters were holding on to me but they were all gonna fall in cause like the villain was holding on to my leg so I chopped my hand off and fell into the abyss and died. The villain died with me but he stayed dead. I’m canonically dead but instead of just nothing like I’m still here and have to live with being alone. I’ve tried several times to climb back up but I always fall back down here like this is where I need to stay until the author has new plans for me. I miss the noise. I miss my friends. All I hear is dead silenze. Even when there are humans around every sound I hear just feels like the ambient audio track. Or like life is happening, just on the other side of a window. In yugioh there was this like weird glass thing in the sky people would get trapped in and it wasn’t real but they would get tortured by watching everyone they know go about their lives while they get like slowly covered in sand or something. I though about that a lot as a kid when I saw it and now it makes me mad cause that’s basically what’s happening like why can’t fiction just stay as fiction? My heart aches again. Everyone who looks at me is scared. They have fear in their eyes. It’s horrible. I feel bad for them and want to fuck off so they can be happy again. Why isn’t my hair growing out any more it’s stuck short I hate that. I don’t even have to try to be a monster any more I just am by default. If this is what happens when you give up on trying to fight for your soul I want to pick up my arms again. This sucks. I don’t know what to do. “Brain no worky” as they say. I’ve been trying to go to slee for the past fucking 12 HOURS WHAT THE FUCK BUT I CANT CAUSE I KEEP CRYING AND FEELING LIKE IM GOING TO THROW UP. I feel unhinged and like I’m radiating a caustic substance. Homeless essence. The kind of tangy grime that emanates off of them. You can smell the lack of sanity. Maybe only other insane people can though, like parasyte the maxim. The English professor’s voice is stuck in my head it’s so FUCKING annoying SHUT UP YOU LOOK LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AND YOUR EYES ARE SCARY. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I wish the punk rockers never started worshipping the devil and stuff. I could never play undertale cause I will cry the whole time. Or omori. Or fucking anything. If prince was still alive I would love to do the bat dance with him. In a literal sense. 

Good bye back to my box under the train tracks again. The sound of the train violently passing overhead at night fucks with me. Ghosts are flickering the lamp posts. I live in fear. Fuck.