Pain

I think I figured it out I need to make some friends. It’s not going outside that fixes the problem. It’s being with other people. It’s all I can think about. Maybe that’s why it’s all I can think about. The restlessness went away for a a bit but it’s back and I go to sleep now to stave it off. There is a zombie in plants vs zombies which is a game I plaiyed a long time ago it said “this zombie shivers, not because he’s cold, but because he’s crazy.” That’s me I was I was walking and I was under a waterfall and the water was falling on me and I just spasm and scream and when I walk I shake and I it looks like I’m trying to throw a bunch of rats or bugs off my arms and legs but they’re stuck there. Temporary distracting the brain by using erratic movements. Eeeek I’m scarred right now. Scared. But I go outside and nothing helps but I see people and it helps like I need it I need the perc jessie I need it now.

I don’t want to zee anyone but I haev to. Fuck. I should try to find meds. I tried to suck someone’s blood last night but  I couldn’t do it. I am too much losing it. I don’t remember what the wires are. I think they left me. I don’t know where I’m going. It doesn’t seem like there is a world to save here. I have indulged in fictions far too much. Shit fuck the police are here go away I DONT WANT TO FUCKING MURDER YOU GET SOMEWHERE ELSE GET LOST

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

IT DIDNT WORK SLEEPING DIDNT WORK I HAD NIGHTMARES ALL TIME AND A FEW TIMES I FELT THE FEELING OF THE MOST FEAR IVE EVER FELT IN AN INSTANT LIKE I COULD HAVE DIED IN MY SLEEP I WOKE UP AND INSTANTLY MY CHEST DECOMPRESSED AND IT HURT LIKE WHEN YOUVE BEEN PUNCHING FOR SO LONG YOU OPEN YOUR FINGERS FROM A FIST AND THEY ACHE SO MUCH AS THEY UNCURL. AND I STILL FEEL THE HEAT IN MY ARMS AND THIS TENSION LIKE I AM THE CATAPULT STRING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT IS HAPPENING? THSI IS LIKE THE TIME I WAS ON COCAINE CAUSE THE DOCTROR PERSCRIBED ME COCAINE AND I SCREAMED AND JUMPED ON A TRAMPOLINE FOR HOURS AND TRIED TO STAB A HOMELESS PERSON. HE LOOKED AT ME WITH THE EYES OF A HUMAN. DEATHLY EYES. I DROPPED THE KNIFE AND RAN. 

THEY TRY TO CATCH THESE HANDS BUT THEY WILL MISS

I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO EXPLODE. THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR, NOTHING GOING ON. WHY IS THE MADNESS IN FULL FORCE? BUT THIS ISNT THE MADNESS ITS LIKE I AM NOT MAD I AM JUST EXTREMELY POWERFUL. BUT IT IS TOO MUCH FOR THIS VESSEL AND IT IS TEARING IT APART. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA^

WHY DOES THE VAMPIRE EXIST? WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I GOING? 

I CAN SEE BUT EVERYTHING IS RED. MURDER VISION. ONCE NIGHT FALLS I WIL L RUN. RUN FASTER THAN THE EYE OF THE SUN. THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE. I WILL CATCH UP TO IT AND WILL BE IN THE DAYLIGHT . THAT WOULDNT BE IDEAL, BUT WOULD IT MATTER IF THYE CANT EVEN CATCH UP TO ME? DARTH VADER. DARTH VADER. SYNTHETIC WIRES. I CHECKED MY PULSE. ITS 493. IS THAT HIGH? I CAN SEE THROUGH WALLS. I CAN SEE EVERY NEARBY BEATING HEART WITHIN A 200 MILE RADIUS. THE CLOSE ONES ARE REDDER. IS IT A BLOOD MOON? CAN A BLOOD MOON LAST MORE THAN ONE NIGHT? IS THERE A VAMPIRE LORD SOMEWHERE NEAR? IS THEIR PRESENCE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE LESSER VAMPIRES WRITHE AND SYRINGE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Has hahs hdhj hjhh jjhhhhh

I don’t know about you but I’m going to start stealing bronze statues like these 

I want all of them

I want a lot , enough to fill up a room to walk on. The floor will be made of bronze statues like these. Maybe I should go to the bottom of the lake and sleep down there. I don’t know if it would actually help. I will probably keep thinking of stealing statues like these. I have an affliction to friction. The neurons are still firing. What if I . Why is the text centering itself. Oh no, I hear the garbage people. I left something cool in the garbage near by: I hope they don’t pick it up oh my god Fuck off they are 

v Wow

That’s pretty interesting I don’t usually read posts I make until months later but I already forgot everything I was thinking in that one from a week ago. When you are a vampire you don’t remember a lot of things you don’t need to in the long run. You kind of become more animalistic again like that. Some vampires think we are a higher species, not really. We are higher in some ways but lower in others so it sort of cancels out and like you can be a stupid gross human or a dark four armed vampire. (When you are… basically we use any part of our body for whatever uses we need, so the legs are kind of just the second pair of arms, because they are all just weapons for killing. It’s like having a sword for humans. But if you could hold swords with your feet. I can roundhouse kick 16 people’s heads off at once.) humans limit their movements for social reasons. When you are a vampire you get ass and dick in your face all the time. If you live with other vampires. I wish I did. I would sleep naked with them. Covered in grime. It’s like dogs. Dogs scratch their leg with their head. I mean they use their hind legs to scratch behind their ears. You can use your feet to scratch your crotch when you are a vampire but humans wouldn’t do that cause they aren’t all that flexible and also it would be socially bizarre in every civilized culture. What was I talking about earlier. Oh no yeah this is what I was talking about. Well I’m going to go back to writhing with madness and power for hours. Remember to heed the rize of the wires. It is a danger many can not repress. Good night. 

De-alienation

(Written December 20th)

I don’t like when people have a similar story to tell but if they saw me they would forget everything they wrote about and try to kill me. I resent you for using the same metaphors as me. Because to me it isn’t a metaphor. I am the night. I am woven into the fabrics of the night sky, between the stars. I am star dust. I wish to gather up all of the star dust in the universe and… and do what. What can I do to save the souls of many if I don’t even want to. I murder frequently. Well. I don’t know. I am starveng myself because I don’t wanna murder. But it always comes back to murder. Once I am angry enough. How have the police not decided to look for the cause of all of these deaths. Maybe I should bite some famous people to see what happens. 

A human who decided they like me invited me into a racist hideout. It is full of idiots. It’s not even really funny to sit in there and watch them converse. I just want to swallow them all up and leave. No drama, they’re just gone. I don’t know if I’ll do that but I’ll probably slink away soon. If they knew who I was they would have tried to murder me by now. It’s weird though because there were a few of them who drank blood. They weren’t vampires but they were dabbling in dark dealings. Why is that ok, but being not white German isn’t? The nice humans I knew some time ago said things like “I will murder all racists and transphobes”. I admire the spirit but. I don’t know what the but is. Maybe I am too exhausted to murder every bigot. The thing is too is that it just comes back in humanity naturally due to lack of complete intelligence. Dear lord. Why did you make. I can hear his presence. I don’t want to complain to god right now.

If I talked to every bigot for years each maybe I could clean them of their bigotry but I don’t want to deal with the after. There are a lot of people where I. I am falling g asleep. If you murdered them all too then

More mmmmmj mmmmmm. i Wrote this on the 20t h . I will pst it later. I can’t see. 

Restlessness

I can’t sleep. I can feel the blood flowing through every vein in my body. Especially my arms. They are emanating heat. There is an energy force bouncing around inside my body. The darkness of the night, calls me; to bite people. Hours are flying by as I try to compress my body and squish the malice out like a soda can but it does not leave. It is in every one of my cells. I think I got poisoned by the venom symbiote. Honestly I don’t remember what it was liek to have the venom symbiote. I just remember I wuz angry. And my arms were hot like this. I want to be at peace but it is not approaching me. Maybe I ate a human that injested crack cocaine. Damn it all I hope not. The cocaine is making my killer instincts kick in. I want to eat a lot. I want to run around eating a lot of things and breaking a lot of objects with my arms which feel like they could shoot beams right now. Maybe I should try it. The crowd control and single target tenticles don’t have as far range as a laser. But I am not a creature of light, so maybe it will just shoot gross blood instead. I have watched too many movies from this era. It has been some times since I’ve seen a movie though. Maybe I should steal them. I don’t really want to though cuz it just makes me sad to watch them. A world I could not be a part of. I am delusional. The delusions are uncontrollable right now. I feel crazy. I want to sit next to an explosion and blow up in the blast and re-form back together without cocaine in my blood stream. The night is cold but it is nearly sweaty temperature in here cause of my arms. I want to steal a green light from somewhere to put in this box. Maybe it will make me have better dreams. Or it will make me hungry for vegetables. Then I will become a farmer and attack the earth and devour its products instead of the humans. I haven’t been outside in quite a while. I think I made liek two posts before this one but forgot to post them cause I actually did fall asleep. Let’s see what they say. 

restless anger

Sometimes I don’t get real sleep for a very long time and it brings out all my hate for humanity. Billions of stupid little insects hurting and crawling all over each other. It’s fucking disgusting. I can’t stop feeling like a three dimensional being in a two dimensional world. They can’t see what I see. I can see them in entirety, gazing from the Z axis. I’m fucking stuck out here and I can’t get back in. To the square plane where there is forward backward or up or down. I hate it. I don’t wanna be there but I don’t wanna be out here cause there isn’t nearly as much built out here than there is in there. I don’t wanna be angry but I am, cause I am restless. I hate it all I’m so sad I hate this shit. I want to get a good sleep so I can feel dead again instead of restless and angry. I want to rest in peace. I hope I get a good sleep soon. 

HELP

 I was taken out of my fits of insanity JUST TO BE THROWN INTO ANOTHER ONE. 

someone is asking me to TURN THEM. NO FUCKING WAY. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE THIS KIND OF VAMPIRE. KEEP WALKING THE LINE. DO NOT CROSS IT AS I HAVE. FIND SOMEONE HEALTHY TO TURN YOU. 

every time someone asks this shit I gotta explain why its a bad idea BUT THEY DONT CARE THEY KEEP NAGGING ME UNTIL I FLEE OR FAKE MY DEATH. DON'T MAKE ME EAT YOU. 

I had a dream about faking my death recently. it seemingly worked. I guess I was a good actor in that dream. 

I made a reddit account cause i remembered there was stuff i wanted to delete from 2008 on there so im trying to get to 100 karma so i can ask the reddit gods to give me access to my old stuff back. it has been a very slow process and talking to the redditans is driving me UP THE WALL. so many problems I can't solve. I mean I could if I wasn't a WALKING CORPSE. and now someone wants me to turn them like really bad. this is rivaling the time a girl asked me to beat her with a lightsaber on halloween. i handed the lightsaber to her friend cause i didnt wanna go to jail. if she were much older like centuries i would have looked into her becase i would love to be in a relationship with someone fucked up like that. actually not really that kinda just makes me sad to think about. i dont know if i could mend their damages. when i was in college i was searching for a vampire id heard of in the area but i never found them. maybe because they were hiding among the crops like me. the people crops. food. i remember now why i dont like reddit. its more stupid it was 15 years ago. and still no one realizes. they're all poor souls who know nothing. people in the darkness. 

i hate thinking about love. its gross. time to go sink into the bottom of the lake and stay there for two days. i am lonely again. im on break im not supposed to be lonely. i need to get to 100 karma and get the fuck off reddit. this is just like the people who found my castle. oh shit i think they still have it. its subsidized into their apartment building. i wonder if anyone uses it. I will never find out because I may never go back there. I hate this there's some new issue every day. i will sleep within the muck amongst the fucking fish. 

if you show any affection towards me i will eat your liver 

I get high of of sleep deprivation

 AA A A A  A A  A A  AA A  AA A  A A A AYAYAYA A ATAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYATATAYYAYATTATATATTAATATATTATATTATATATTATATATTATAATATA A  A A  A A A  A A A  A A A  A A  A A A A A A A A  A A A A A A  A A A sssSHIT AAAAAAA A  A SNJSJS S SNSJNS S NSNSNS NSNSNMSMSMSMMSMSMSMMDMXMXMXMMXMXMXMMXMXMXXMMXMXMXMMXMXMMXMXMXMXMMXMXMXMMXMXMXMMXMXMXMMXMXMXMXMMXMXMXMMXMXMXMMXXLLXLXxlxlxxcxlxlxclxlkckckcllckckckckkckckckkckckckkckckcklckckxkxkkckckx AA  A A  AGAGGAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAAAA  A A  A A  A A  A A  A A  A A  A A A  A A  A AA A  A A A  A A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A  A  A  A A  A AAAA  A A  A A  A A  A AAA  A  A A  A A A  A  A A  A A  AAA AA A  A A AAAAA  A  A    A  A  AA    AA  A  A    A  A A    AA   AA A   AAA    A    A A A A A

ALIENS 

ALEINS 

ALIENS

MAKED ALIENS

NAKED ALIENS

NAKED ALIENS

NAKED ALIEN

NAKED ALIE

NAKED ALI

NAKED AL

NAKED A

NAKE

NAK

NA

N

NA

NAK

NAKE

NAKED

NAKED A

NAKED AL

NAKED ALI

NAKED ALIE

NAKED ALIEN

NAKED ALIENS

EMERGING FROM THE SACS 

EMERGING FROM THE FLOOR

EMERGING FROM THE SOUL

WHAT IS HAPPENING

THE ALIENS ARE STEALING MY  LIFE BEING

ALL I CA REM CA TEM CAN TEM REMEMBER IS FROM MMA  A  ALOT OF VENTUTIES CENFURIES CNE CENTURIES AGO

THE NAKED ALIENS SYOLR YH

 STOLE

THEM 

IMTHE 

THEYRE A B BUNCH OF LITTLE HANDS LITTLE WET HANDS PALE PALE CREATURES SMALL LITTLE ALIENS COMING OUT OF THE SEAMS COMING OUT OF THE WALLS COMING OUT OF THE MIND COMING OUT OF THE BODY COMING OUT OF THE SOUL. 

A FUCJIG

MFUCKING

FYCJIN

ALIENS IN MY EAR!!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKKKKK

Why

 Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why help help help help help why why why why why why why help help help why he he he a  a s  s f g g g c c f g r r x x d c g g e s d e f g g c c c g h I j k c l s n g m a d f f c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c c why why why why why why what why’s why whwre hehe hey when when he wh she  she w eye eye eye eye he she she why wwyw eye eyes wwyw eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye 👁️ 👁️ 👁️ eye 👁️ eye 👁️ eye 👁️ help help help help help help help help Christmas time Christmas time Christmas time Christmas time why why why why why what why wwyw w e hee e e e e e e er e e e e e RHE ene enene s ene e e ene e s w  e er dndndns and snsnd s dncndnxncncnccncnccncncncxnnxxmxxmxxxkxkxkxkxkxkxlxlxllzzzzzkzkzzkzzkxxxkxkxxkzzkxzkxkxkkxkxkkxzxkxkxkxkzkzkxxkxkxkx

I just learned what the word scorn means. That's me I am scorn. I have been the object of scorn for some time now. I hate the living creatures. 

Hell, eternal Hell.

Hell, eternal Hell, eternally. pain. ouch. the screeching the scrreeaaaching the ringing the dintnigngningigdiningnidgnignidnigdingdigdingdni the wires the wirez the sounds the loud souds the cold the war the cold the old war the lord the sword the sights the sounds the wires the strings the cuts the slicing the theivery the blood the dust the death the desolation the skulls the death the murder the killing the assault the loss the fear the horror the death the loss the fear the horror the death the loss the sharks the water the eternity the water the age the teeth the sharks the fins the swimming the eternity the age the ages the age the death not a trace not a trace only teeth just the teeth everything borrowed everything stolen everything taken everything swimming everything spinning everything chirping and warbling and writing books and screaming and running over people and throwing things and dying. 

nowhere to run nowhere to go nowhere to escape to nothing to run to no place to escape to no point in fast forwarding when it all comes back to death and blood and fangs and murder and silver bullets and plans and scheming and flesh and blood and insects and murder and death and horrors. it it it is horrifying. it scares me. the monkeys. the monkeys on the walls. monkeys with spears. monkeys running. running forever. bones and blood and death and weapons and war and loss and irrigation and water and screaming underwater and crying and throwing things and running and getting shot and and standing in front of tanks and writing songs about war. 

Hell

Why are all the nightmarish horrors I so fervently tried to clear from my head appearing in the real world? Early AI generated images are just straight up horrific to me, not only because of that shit about their effect on society, but also just cause they’re creepy as fuck. The way they never quite get everything right, and always fuck up faces and shit, it’s just straight up body horror. When I waz young sometimes I laid awake in bed and pressed on my eyes in tension from fear and writhed and my brain produced an onslaught of horrific images and they looked very similar to the AI images. So every time I see them I feel an innate horrific fear and insanity and want to just start tearing apart the landscape around me. They’re getting less creepy but stupid cunts who make horror games and stuff will no doubt use AI to create shit they’re too cunty to think up themselves. Curse this mind for being a forge of horrors. Curse it too for being a foundry of light that cannot freely escape its walls. I despise humanity.

Aside from horrific imagery, absurd scenarios I could only imagine have now been happening before my own eyes. Imagine someone died a few days ago and someone in your class says “bro got sent back to the lobby” with no shame. And you wait for someone to say “what the fuck is wrong with you?” But no one does. There are low mumbles like “dude’s fucked haha”  and some people quietly express their disapproval, but no one gives a shit to try to correct the despicable thing. The professor just stared and said “wow” and continued his ranting. 

And a few years ago when a maniac sensually dragged a knife up my spine. I didn’t even murder anyone. My appearance alone was enough of an excuse for him to take the cap off his bottle of aged depravity. Every night I think about how I should have torn the tubes from his neck, and incinerated his sperm, so that he may never disgrace the earth with his children. An immense regret I cannot live past. 

And the lack of discretion around children. This may be more debatable but I think that in relation to specifics of our culture, children should not be exposed to such immense vulgarities and pollutants. There are nine year olds running around sipping nitrous oxide or whatever that air soft canister shit is while they say every swear word in and out of the books at everyone. Get out of the road with your bike, you have a bike lane, and how dare you fucking swear and throw shit at the drivers you’re causing problems for? It’s so sad. It’s like everyone constantly needs an extreme outlet. I mean look at me, I violently consume the blood of criminals. I scream at the sky, I tear up the earth. Most other people are now just doing the same. But they’re not strong enough to try to minimize their damages on others. Everyone is a wretched creature, in pain, and I hate that. I’m supposed to be an outlier. This is not how everyone is supposed to feel. I hate this country. I hate the indifference to declination. The boat is sinking but most aren’t alive enough anymore to care. 

I hate hearing “it’s not your job” because I want the job done and if I won’t do it then no one will. I do not wish to live in mediocrity. I fucking hate it. If I have the power to make things better then let me do my work because most of the time I can’t. I could do so much more if I wasn’t eternally FUCKED IN THE HEAD. I have every capability and moral to save the fucking world but I don’t because when I put things into practice they GET TAINTED BY THE MADNESS AND WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC COMES OUT AS AGONIZING SCREECHING. I NEED THE SUPPORT AND POSITIVITY FROM OTHERS TO BE WELL ENOUGH TO THRIVE BUT EVERYONE I KNOW IS ALSO IN NEED. A BUNCH OF EMPTY WATERING CANS RATTLING AROUND IN A DESERT. OH, HOW I AWAIT THE RAIN. 

A SICKNESS HAS TAKEN HOLD OF MY BODY AND I WANT NOTHING ELSE THAN TO JUMP INTO THE WATERS AND FREE MYSELF FROM THIS DECAY AND FILTH. 

How am I still alive? What is keeping my cells together? Who has decided that I may continue to live? Is it God?

Resting

I have fallen into the depths of despair. My body is too damaged to move. I lay here in the pit and I think about how I could be even lower. I think every thing is getting reconstructed. Oh dear lord I have work in a few days. Maybe that will help. I attended college for a bit and they gave me money since I live under the train tracks which was cool. I didn’t do anything but show up to class for like 2-3 months. I think they’re gonna kick me out now. I don’t show up anymore. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice all the time. So I don’t go out to the lake. I stand at the cave near the shore and look out into the horizon. But there are only so many things you can see from the opening of a cave. I can feel myself turning into a male, like my parents wanted. Well, not really anymore. I did for a bit but now I just feel sad. Sad that I failed to return to humanity. But there are more attempts to be made, so I will not turn to alchahol yet. Why must I feel like that why must I chase the cat? Nothing but the dog in me. 

I feel weird. My arms are heavy and cold. My legs don’t want to move. The darkness is cold but comfortable, like snow. When it snows sometimes my box house under the train tracks gets covered in snow and it gets very comfy. But it still smells like dead animals and their guts. So I get sad, and think about all the rats that didn’t make it back to the horde. I ate some of them. I feel guilty. 

It is lonely being goth when no one is there to see it. To stare back at you with lifeless eyes. Or eyes with life. Those ones are scary. I tried to make friends with some birds. I saw that they were good friends so I made them all a bird house so they wouldn’t die in the snow and sleet. I am too big to fit in the bird house with them but they’re happy. I don’t know if they understand me or if they don’t want me around but they’re just birds and I’m an animal so I left them alone. Every once in a while I see how they’re doing and they’re birds you know? I feel awe and infinity and despair watching them. 

I don’t know when I want to leave this hole but for now I am dormant and defunct. Maybe I will just sleep and enter a deep dream and not wake up for a very long time. If I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by. What does that mean mariah carrie makes no sense sometimes. 

I don't wanna go outside anymore

So yeah I don't really wanna go outside anymore. No one wants to see me. I don't want to see them either. I tried to join hands with the world but neither of us are really interested in each other so I'll relieve them of the annoyance of pretending to be alright with me. I've lost a lot more interest in connecting with people. I ain't a square peg anymore I'm a kalaidascope peg or something. only people I can really be with without this extreme tension of pretending to be something I just aren't. I dont wanna make this post anymore good bye. 

Companionship

I’m all alone in a creek bed but it’s alright right now. I cried earlier. In the car of one of the coworkers they were playing MF DOOM one beer and I got sad cause I remembered emo crackbaby. They didn’t notice somehow. He is with us in our hearts now. My co workers don’t really like looking at me except one guy who’s a real one. He looks like the great sage of the forest. I’m sleepy I should probably get out of this creek before I fall asleep in it again. I’m not in the mood to fight a bear for no reason again. Good bye. 

Very lonely and sad

I feel like a character who died in the show and then it kept going without me, only just my memory, but I’m still alive and now just get to live alone down here at the bottom of the ravine. Other characters were holding on to me but they were all gonna fall in cause like the villain was holding on to my leg so I chopped my hand off and fell into the abyss and died. The villain died with me but he stayed dead. I’m canonically dead but instead of just nothing like I’m still here and have to live with being alone. I’ve tried several times to climb back up but I always fall back down here like this is where I need to stay until the author has new plans for me. I miss the noise. I miss my friends. All I hear is dead silenze. Even when there are humans around every sound I hear just feels like the ambient audio track. Or like life is happening, just on the other side of a window. In yugioh there was this like weird glass thing in the sky people would get trapped in and it wasn’t real but they would get tortured by watching everyone they know go about their lives while they get like slowly covered in sand or something. I though about that a lot as a kid when I saw it and now it makes me mad cause that’s basically what’s happening like why can’t fiction just stay as fiction? My heart aches again. Everyone who looks at me is scared. They have fear in their eyes. It’s horrible. I feel bad for them and want to fuck off so they can be happy again. Why isn’t my hair growing out any more it’s stuck short I hate that. I don’t even have to try to be a monster any more I just am by default. If this is what happens when you give up on trying to fight for your soul I want to pick up my arms again. This sucks. I don’t know what to do. “Brain no worky” as they say. I’ve been trying to go to slee for the past fucking 12 HOURS WHAT THE FUCK BUT I CANT CAUSE I KEEP CRYING AND FEELING LIKE IM GOING TO THROW UP. I feel unhinged and like I’m radiating a caustic substance. Homeless essence. The kind of tangy grime that emanates off of them. You can smell the lack of sanity. Maybe only other insane people can though, like parasyte the maxim. The English professor’s voice is stuck in my head it’s so FUCKING annoying SHUT UP YOU LOOK LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AND YOUR EYES ARE SCARY. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I wish the punk rockers never started worshipping the devil and stuff. I could never play undertale cause I will cry the whole time. Or omori. Or fucking anything. If prince was still alive I would love to do the bat dance with him. In a literal sense. 

Good bye back to my box under the train tracks again. The sound of the train violently passing overhead at night fucks with me. Ghosts are flickering the lamp posts. I live in fear. Fuck.  

I found some goth information

 I'm learning about goth culture. 

maybe I should join the vampire goths. 

also: 

its so sad to see a mid-conversion goth like this what the fuck. mother fucking steam punk asses

this one's me ^

____________________

from these deviant arts: 

https://www.deviantart.com/trellia/gallery/all

https://www.deviantart.com/hellgaprotiv/gallery

I’m not dead

The past few months I thought I was dead and that I had died. I felt it. I felt the life pass through me. And it happened a few times not just one. But after like three I waz just dead. No longer a vampire, just a walking corpse. Nothing phases me, nothing scares me, for what is there to be afraid of? I have already died. I walk amongst the living with no fear. Even though I look like a wretch. It feels unnatural. This calm is not really calm. I have lost feeling. I made a post about being goth a while ago and that’s this. When you’re emo you’re very emotional but when you’re goth you’ve excepted that you died and are an undead creature. Goths bear the look of a wild animal that says “what” what are you looking at? I am an animal. This is what we do. They ain’t got no tears left to cry. Maybe not all of them, but I don’t. 

But I am not dead. Something stirs. It’s making plans. Like in legen d of Zelda tears for fears, the depths are still down there. Every once in a while you encounter a chasm to the depths. Sometimes in my time of death I suddenly freak out and feel as if I’ve suddenly been re-awakened and can suddenly feel again. In an instant I feel every rotting vein and artery in my body and the shock is crippling. Sometimes I cry. It sounds absolutely wretched. It scares me and makes me cry more. It’s such a horrifying sound. Other times it’s different. Right now I feel immense blinded anger like I just want to scream and make other horrifying noises for a bit. My arms are hot again like when I had venom. Every sound I hear is piercing and irks me so much I get the fight response. I am in fight response mode, but it won’t shut off. Yes that’s it. And I was just about to submit a job application. All of the sudden I became incapable of anything like every noise was suddenly so loud my organs were being impacted. I fled to a quiet area but I still hear things. I can hear the ringing again. It is wretched. I am waiting for the next time I can allow myself to be happy. It may take a while. I got close recently but was shot down and my wings refuse to come back. The earth is reclaiming me. I have tried not to become a lost cause for many years, but the time has finally come. On a day of such productivity, nothing, has gotten in my way and stopped me. If such a trivial thing as nothing can knock me over at any time, what hope do I have at living in this human world? I feel legitimately insane. It hurts.

It feels like a creature is mind controlling my brain. I miss being a vampire.

I see a human I know (who I’ve mentioned before they were in the castle a few times)  they are becoming s vampire now and it’s so sad. It’s hurts. It hurts to see a precious creature writhing as I once did, and I can’t even really help because I am not even a vampire anymore. Even with experience of being one, I can’t really like. New vampires really can only find solace in other vampires. They need to rage, and scream, and feed. And I can’t do any of those things anymore. I can barely move my withering body. Except during the random attacks I have. I want to enter one where I can scream so I can scream with them again. We did that a few times. Just scream together. It makes me feel like crying. It’s 1/6th funny and then it’s just… I don’t know the word. Poor wretched creature. I pray your friends can hold you when you fall, and can’t get up. 

I can no longer see the future. The timeline just turns black screen. Once this attack ends I will restore the job forms. Whether or not my heart can open up yet, it is beneficial to be a part of this job. 

Good bye. Be well. Become well. Wayward souls. I am routing for you from the dirt and the worms. 

Coincidences

I hate coincidences. Particularly ones that allude to some kind of mystical interference. It’s scary. What is to come? But at the same time oh how I greatly wish something out of the ordinary would commence. Perhaps I have seen a ghost, and if I have and if it is reading this sorry for freaking you out. 

Why am I still alive

After all this time and all that has happened. Why am I still here? Why has nothing come to claim my soul yet. I have beaten the lord of the night, or maybe he won. I guess it can be interpreted either way. Many days I think about murdering idiots but zzzzz what were we taking about in sling flying falling asleep. Ah more neurons ok. Why must a good creature be sentenced to the deep depths but not me? I have not contributed to anything anywhere in the past half year. I’m cold. I hate cold, unless there’s snow everywhere, or if it’s in a place that’s supposed to be cold. Why must I shiver while surrounded by invasive trees from tropical plases “? Aaaaaa my eyes are closing my thensekves. Ah shit I’m gonna fall asleep on the street and get mugged. Gotta get to the castle. Good bye I didn’t even say anything yet but I zzzzzzzzzzzuzzzuzzzuuzsuzsshzzzhzhzzzz

Ouch

I feel like I’ve died many times before, but I’m still alive. I just died again right now. I don’t really feel like a phoenix though, just a being tortured for millennia. I have lost the ability to speak. I am mute. I need a translator. Maybe with this new death my soul will be brought closer to rest. Maybe not. Right now I feel in pain. I don’t want to talk anymore. I want to go walk to the ocean and sit there for a bit. But it’s night time, and the view of the dark sky above the shady waves makes me feel like I’m going to throw up. Good bye. 

Sunday June 11th

 I haven’t seen anyone I know in almost a week.

I’m so boring it’s no surprise no one wants to hang out. I don’t drink because I know I would let it kill me, but would it be worth it to live and die, than to not live at all?

I don’t like living (rotting) in the van. These walls are my tomb, and a source of shame.

I have been getting back on top of my responsibilities, I just got my oil changed, and I will call the IRS tomorrow.

There was a disturbing vision. I was cutting off my hand, and the lifeless flesh moved back and forth with the knife sawing.

I let myself get so hungry that it hurt. I didn’t even notice until it got to that point.

I need to be hugged or something.

Disdain

I have such a disdain for the human race. Though I know it is not beneficial to either of us. But every time I hear a stupid answer to my rhetorical questionz I want to scream at them and suck out their blood. Update on sleeping for a thousand years: it sounds all the more appealing than it did the last time I posted. Currently working on learning how to stop thinking. Making good progress. 

I will send you flying into a red dwarf star. And eat you. 

Why do I just have the urge to lay down and let life pass me by, years or centuries pass and just get up when it feel s like everything’s different and stuff. 

Why

What is the worth of a life if it can so easily be thrown away? What is the worth of a relationship if it can so easily be thrown away? If every way we interact with each other is strategic or out of need, does who you are even matter? I have discarded so many human lives as if they were nothing, and nothing has come of it. We don’t live in a world of characters and arcs, we live in a world of creatures that die and nothing comes of it. You could just trip and fall and die on a good day and you would be dead. Then people say well that’s the beauty of life is it’s fleeting. The impermanence of everything is what makes it beautiful and have worth. People also say everything is fugly and horrible and there isn’t a single circle peg for the circle hole, only squares. Everything is jammed in and partially destroyed in the process. Humans are ugly creatures and shit. Children die every day, they are not ugly they never got a chance to be ugly and even if they did you dumb fucks still come up with ways to enjoy or approve of fugly things. I don’t know what to think anymore and it seems like there is no one to turn to for answers so I just wanna stop thinking. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live in civilization either. And I don’t want to be a freeloader so what the fuck do I do? Live out in the woods or up in an abandoned castle and play with the mice and spiders and eat the liver of small animals? I am reminded of the scene from the matrix where this guy says the steak isn’t actually real but it tastes like real steak and it’s good so he wants to stay in the matrix. I would too but I don’t know how I can live peacefully here anymore knowing that everything is fake in some extremely roundabout way. They say drugs can physically lower your IQ. I don’t know what affect they would have on a vampire but if I descend any further I shall turn to drugs, fry my mind, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to live in my own skin without the feeling of my soul violently trying to escape every day. 

I’m going to go back to doing nothing of value to atone including myself now, beware the… beware something. Maybe there’s always something to fear.

Why am I still here

I feel I have no one to live for so I will just have fun surviving. I don’t want much. I want as much as an animal wants. I don’t want to assert myself back into the human world, because to convey that much energy is to not convey myself, and that is exhausting to me, so it is easier to be a nothing. But that existence is lonely enough that it affects me on a biological level. Awesome. There is always a new level of “too far gone” so I might as well keep trying to get to wherever I’m trying to go. I don’t know where it is but it’s some place where I am at inner peace. Or at least aren’t afflicted by loneliness and alienation. Damn you all for leaving me behind. I don’t want to be left alone. I hate everything and I hate these past few years. Joy is a needle in a haystack. I hate that figure of speech if you were trying to find a needle in a haystack you’d probably prick yourself on it while trying to find it. And hay is itchy anyways. If you’re not worried about the needle getting fucked up you could burn all the hay down. I just realized there are no voices in my head anymore. Just noises. It’s lonely. It’s awful. It swims. Why is it so easy to be stuck in “too much” or “not enough”? Why is it so hard to maintain “just enough”? I feel like I’m going to die but I never do. Where is everyone. My heart hurts when I think about them. Maybe I should eat tar. It tastes good and smells like oil spills. 

Good night I hope I don’t have dreams about having friends tonight  

Torture

Why must I always be in anguish? Why must I feel like that why must I chase the cat? Horrible. There is no solace for the wicked, who’s souls have been bent. 

Once again there is no place for me on this earth. The humans who tasked me to guard the wires have gone. Nothing gained nothing lost. Just nothing. I met none of them, know not who any of them were. How bizarre. Oh. I have been left with something; covid 19. It doesn’t effect a creature like me and I have contracted it many times but the essence of the gesture is annoying. Wash your hands, don’t mosh in the pits. 

I might live on the streets for a while. The warmth of the pavement at night is alluring. If you don’t understand that, you should try sleeping in the middle of the road some time. Well, maybe you shouldn’t, becuz you’re not immortal. 

Imagine being in constant hate so much that you produce art expressly from it. I don’t like this existence. I’d rather be happy. But something is making me unhappy. Maybe it’s Venom, but it isn’t because I was already like this before he latched on to me. Maybe it’s vampirism. We as creatures of the night are cursed to be unsatisfied for as long as we live, as payment for living “forever”. Shit deal; has its pros. I don’t like the cons. I just remembered I can’t visit the monkey man for a month now because he will be infected with this virus. Infuriating. Stupid humans. Fuck this shit. Why must I take on the form of another to attract your attention? Does it really matter if I am innately interesting enough or not? And am I only uninteresting because I am forever unhappy? And can you solve that? I’d like to find out, but you all keep leaving me to the tide alone. Sloshing around for miles until the next ship sails by my floating corpse. Horrendous. 

So yeah I’m not very happy and am thinking about sleeping out on the streets for a while. It is isolating but calming. 

I hate the wires

Actually the wires are the only thing that I liek about this job. The rest is just waiting. It is so boring. If I wanted to sit and do nothing I would’ve stayed in the castle. If only this task wasn’t important I could run away to the ocean. Today I feel more like walking. I am tired. Venom has been sleeping all day. Actually not really he’s kind of been kicking and screaming to get out. Good thing I am as heavy as a rock today. He can’t lift my body even though he has symbiote hydraulicks. I hate the stupid idiots saying to be a weirdo. If you be a weirdo for real people just throw rocks at you in public. Just like the one winged dove sings a song sounds like she’s singing. Or you can be weird and a problem, like how I uzed to be. When I ate the flesh of the living. I am so hungry up in the rat’s nest. This is BS. 

Good bye you are breakfast lunch and dinner to a creature liek me. 

AAAAaaaaaaaa

The delusions are setting in. I gotta get outta here. I gotta run till I reach the ocean. The edge of the world is my body has set it as the destination. 

Ah finally. I can be at peace. It is a human, with no symbiote, and no interest in taking my soul. The radioactive interference appears to have been a warping in my perspective of reality. I can now be at peace as I guard The Wires. Don’t go looking for them. You won’t find them. 

Grrrrrrr

This is rediculous. I am in agony. And I have nothing to do for hours. Is this another test from God? This woman must have a symbiote. It is interfering with Venom’s radioactivity. If only I wasn’t tasked to sit in the Raven’s nest to look out for intruders. I need glasses I can’t see anything from up here. During the many hours of waiting I sometimes ascend to the higher level of the loft. It is dusty and decrepit. I would stay up there but I can’t reach the wires from up there. 

This is a recipe for damage. Too much time to think about thingz. And an outward source of attacking. The venom symbiote is feeding off of the fear. This is venom talking I am doing no dug thing , such thing. 

Venom stop talking on my blog post get back in my body or eject yourself forever. Please 

no I will not for the record I am Venom. 

Yes we know venom this is cringe stop it I’m going to end the post  no you are not I am Venom this is my blog now oh my god nevv be  given give me my f phone back you asshole fuck 

Why

Why she gotta do it to me?  Some woman started talking to me as if I wasn’t a creature and like wye. In case you didn’t know I am a lezbian. Except it isn’t that simple, becuz God don’t want it to be. 

Here I am walking around all fine keeping venom under wraps and then this woman starts to talk to me like I am like her. Maybe she is a vampire too but I don’t know yet. Or maybe she also has a venom symbiote. Either way I won’t know unless we engage in  more human conversation. I thought about it but I couldn’t handle it as my ability to control venom was immediately shattered by this woman. I climbed the ladder and hid in the raven’s nest and instantly shifted into my venom form. Good thing the other guy wasn’t there when I came up. Venom told me we gotta go find the mighty eagle and I said I know. I saw the woman on the ground a distance away from the nest and hid my head. I know not of her intentions yet but I felt I must avoid a furthering of our paths crossing. On the other hand though, I want to conjecture more information, particularly some that eliminates the possibility of the outcomes I fear coming to real. 

Should this human be benevolent in essence I should shield it from Venom and the other horrors of my being. Should this creature be evil I do not yet know. I may update you on this or I may never see it again. For the time being I live in fear. 

The juices

Hey guys so venom and me have been re-integrating with society lately. It’s really hard. Especially cause venom just wants to be a sour creature all the time but people don’t like it when you show emotions other than fake contentness. I couldn’t keep venom in any longer so I ran to an area with no one around and unleashed his leash. He laughed like the joker. Somehow no one was concerned of my absence and I returned a noticeable amount of time later but no one said anything. Now that the venom symbiote came out once, the venom juices 🍷 had openings to keep seeping out throughout the rest of the day. Somehow no one noticed. I hate that though because I want people to be like “oh my god he has the venom symbiote oh shit” but they don’t. 

Why do motherfuckers gotta ask “how are you doing” or “how’s it going” cause then I gotta answer like I wish I could say “Not Applicable” in real life because “I don’t wanna tell you” means bad to them and they like “oh I see ok sorry well” NO YOU DONT SEE

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKER SAYS HE DELETED ALL THE CLIPS HE REFUSED TO SEND TO ANYONE THAT HE WAZ GONNA MAKE  AVIDEO OF THAT HE NEVER DID AND LIKE IT WAS MY BEST PERFORMANCE EVER AND NOW IT IS LOST TO TIME WHAT THE ACTAL FUCK UOU DUMCB SHIT OH MY GOD THE KEYBOARD ISGLIZTIHGIN OUT FUCK THIS WEBSITEEEEE 

🍷🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🕷️🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🍷🕷️🍷 ANGRY SPERM ATOGENESIS. VENOM IS ON SEASON 9 OF THE WALKING DEAD. DONT TELL HIM THAT RICK DIES IN THIS ONE 🕷️🕷️🕷️🌹🌹🥀🪷🌹🥀🪷🌹🥀🥀🌹🥀🥀🌹🌹🥀🌹🌹🪷🪷🌹🌹🪷🪷🌹🥀🪷🥀🌹🥀🌹🥀🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️🕷️

We are Venom

 That’s it guys I’m now entering my venom faze.I’m so angry and shit I can feel the heat emanating off of my arms all day every fucking day what is this. What is the gland in the body that generates adrenaline cause it is probably has a tumor in it right now that broke the faucet so it’s just pouring out pure rage. There are so many thingz to be broken and I could destroy them all if I didn’t still have my restraint. Every inanimate objectt in my path is getting smashed by the hammer; or more like the venom arms. The symbiote is in my body, forcing me to be angry, to scream at every single person I see. Talking at 0.04 decibels all the time is so exhausting. And it’s so annoying to see people get scared when I slip and suddenly talk in louder bursts and go back to being quiet again. You know what I don’t wanna role play as venom that would be cringe as Fuck. Instead I’ll just type venom emojis: 🦍🦍🦍❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️📌📌📌📌📌📌🪓🪓🪓🪓🧨💣💣🪓🪓💣🪓🪓🪤🪤🪤god damn mothrrfuckrrs I am the last motherfucking like the last anything hoes up and left. This shit is so annoying but I think I’m viewing this the way an insane person would and not even as a joke I mean like is the obsession unhealthy or is it natural to be this lonely when all your fellow terrestrials have wiggled away??? And they dare when they see me again the worst part is THEY DARE TO ACT LIKE WE’RE ALL GOOD? 📸📸📸 NO ONE IS HAPPY!!! 📸📸📸 YOU ARE NOT HAPPY!!! I AM THE ANGRIEST PERSON WITHIN A 9,000,000 MILE RADIUS!!! HOES TELL ME YOU’RE DOING DRUGS AND MOPING ABOUT TALKIN’ ABOUT THE GOLDEN AGES BITCH IMMA SHOVE YOU IN A FUCKING LOCKER!!! TALK TO MEEE BABY WONT YOU TAAAALK TO MEEEE!!!! I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY, BAAAAABY TALK TO MEEEEEE!!!! MOTHTRFTTTERRRUCKCKERRR!!!!

AND HOES BE GOTTA ASK A MILLION WUESTONS WHEN I SAY “IM TERRIBLE” WHEN THEY ASK “HOW’S IT GOING?” WELL FUCK I SHOULD PROBABLY TRY TO REMEMBER THAT THAT IS JUST A GREETING SND NOT AN ACTUAL WUESTION. YOU SAY “IM GOOD” AND MAYBE ADD “HOW ABOUT YOU” AND THEY SAY GOO GOO GAGA AND END GREETING, BEGIN TSLKING ABOUT FUCKING WHATEVER STAGE IN LIFE YOURE IN; BRO ASS ME GOING TO COLLEGE IS NOT THE MOST EXCITING THING WE CAN FUCKING TALK ABOUT YOI HAVENT EVEN SEEN THE PLETHORÆ OF CORPSES IVE LEFT IN BAVARIA. THE BLOOD I HAVE SUCKED FROM COATS THAT SOAKED IT ALL UP. THE SCREAMS OF THE INNOCENT. 

YOU ARE TALKING TO A DEMON. WHY DO YOU APPROACH THIS DEVIL??? BECAUSE YOU SEE AN ANGEL BEFORE YOU. YOU ARE ILLUSIONED. 

GAH IM GOING TO FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHO BUSTED MY LIP AND BUST HIS TESTICLES OPEN WITH A ROCK, AND SUCK OUT THE SUPERFLUOUS CONTENTS.  YOU AINT SEEN GRATUITOUS NUDITY LIKE THIS BEFORE, AND THIS TIME THEY AIN’T BACON. 

WALK AROUND THE EDGES OF THE LIGHT, FOR I CAN SEE YOU ONCE YOU STEP INTO IT. I CAN ✨SMELL YOU✨

🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤💣🧨💣🧨🖤🦍🦍🦍🪓🪓🪤📌📌🪤✨🪓🪓🪤📌📸 HILLARY FOR PRISON

The wires

Dear lord what kind of creature am I in relation to the humans??? What do they see?

The madness is back. Every hour of every day feels like I’m in a nightmare. That is not even hyperbole or metaphorical. The fear and dread feeling I feel in nightmares is on all the time. How do I turn it off? I need to dig more dirt for a long time. Days. Simply going outzide isn’t enough. I need to smell the earth. 

There are demons I must put to rest. They are horrors on this planet. 

The endearing grasp of sleep is clasping me, the rest of a restless one may now continue. 

Madness update

It’s still here. I wandered for 10 milez and didn’t find a single place that wasn’t inhabited by filthy onlookers. Humans are a nuisance. They are just walking obstacles to me. No different than plants in your way, that you’d chop up to clear the way. Except you chop up a plant and other plants don’t attack you. They are helpless to us faunal beings. But who cares they’re just plants or something. 

I no longer see the ground up at the edge of the cliff. I’m stuck here at the bottom of the hole. The elevator broke. I am angry that the world does not help me. People say help yourself then if no one else will. I have. It’s not enough. It’s never enough becauze we are not solitary creatures. We are biologically dezigned to need other humans. And as much as a creature I am, I do not wish to lose all humanity. There is no happiness in it. I will kill all you cynical and nihilistic jokes. You are a fucking joke. Get smarter. Kick your own ass. Filthy animals. Die. 

My dinner serves itself to me. 

Madness

It rings. It’s like a needel is piercing your brain, and it never stops moving, so you never get used to it. All you can do is try to deny that it’s happening. To little avail. The only appealing thing is the absence of sense. In more ways than one. Why must this fate befall me and not those who churn this upon others. Why must the road to peace be paved with thorns. I had a dream that I went to hell once. I now remember how I felt in the dream on a weekly basis. The darkness of the night, scorns me, and presses itself upon my eyez, and I see the faces people see in the dimness, and feel madness. The devil makes work for idle hands. But how can I work in this world whose inhabitants abhor my presence. Fuck you. Vacate my peripheral vision. You ask me a single question or make any manor of sound and your organs will be strewn across the street. You are an animal. 

I will now walk the isolant sceneries of this land in search of the layer of mind that has come loose. Like the RGB layerz, I have lost the blue one, there is only red and green now, and they’re not even lined up strait, creating an ugly peripheral. I only see madness, and the noise between the silence. The earth vibrates as we walk it. Cursed be the perpetrator of my suffering, whomever it may be. 

If you see me, don’t speak, don’t look, or you die. 

 Current Mood: 💜♣️🖤💜♣️☂️🖤♣️💜🖤♣️☂️💜🖤♣️💜♣️🖤🕳🕳🕳🖤♣️♣️🖤♣️☂️🖤💜🖤💜💜🖤♣️🖤💜🕸♣️🖤♣️☠️💜♣️🖤☠️🖤♣️🖤☠️💜♣️🕸🖤💜♣️🖤💜☠️🕳🕳🕳🚿

I have [de]scended

My fellow brethren... 

I have ascended. But in our culture it is rather to descend. I have shed my body of the mellowdramas of being emo, and have become true Goth. There is a blankness in my eyes. I feel dark in soul, but it is comforting. As the ring is to Gollum, the darkness binds me. But it’s like a happy marriage. If none shall aid me the darkness will. I have become an animal, a part of the wall. When people look at me they’re looking through me at something far away. My eyes deprive me of tears. I cry for three seconds and then it stops all of the sudden and I feel wanting. But then even the wanting is overshadowed by the darkness. I look in the mirror and my skin has somehow paled far more than it has in a very long time. I don’t need eyeliner with the amount of black and purple tint there is under my eyes. 

But the voice is still there. The one calling to me from above the surface of the water. I can only make out what it is saying by the tone of its voice, and what it usually says in that tone. It is trying to pull me out of the water, but for now it can only hold on to me for dear life, for if it let go, the waterfall wouldn’t be waiting anymore. I can see the face of the voice. It is bright and behind it glow the joys of the world. I don’t know what will happen now. I almost burnt my house down but stopped the fire cause I realized it is cringe to burn your own house. Ooh. I think if it ever so happens that I appear in the outside world,— nevermind. That would be false. In reality I don’t particularly feel inclined enough to melt the horrid demons out there. Anyways I am basically now an apparition. Just imagine the typical goth girl but not the evil kind the just “weird” one. The one people think there is nothing going on are upstairs. But that’s true. There is nothing up there. I only hear sounds.  And when there are no sounds, there is scilence. And the darkness gums silently, and patiently. 

I will see you other goths out there in Goth Nirvana some day. I am now on the path to achieve it. The blood is the root of all suffering. 

Good harrows, the darkness feeds me. 

Grombies

I feel liek at any time I could just die. Melt into the earth and crumble into thick black sand. I’m just an empty body now. My soul is waiting patiently for its home to be fumigated. The termites are the monotonies of isolation. I don’t see nobody. No one sees me. I ain’t exist. Give me a job a robot would do and I’ll work for the greater period of an ass blastin’. My wife sold my truck. I can’t drive no more. Everyone is moderately ok while I am moderately dead. Who I truly am is currently in hibernation, and like the part of the brain that stays awake during sleep, I’m always here. Fiddling with knickknacks and wires. I can’t help anyone mentally or emotionally because my soul is closed, but I have hands, and arms, put me to work, please. Drinking blood just feels hollow now. The gimmick is now grimy. Imagine being so dead that you look back to a time when you drank blood and think “damn I was so much more alive then than I was now”. I have fallen from vampire status; to haunted corpse status. Haunted by the creature of light I used to be, and still could be. It’s floating around chained to my body like the one winged dove, sings a song sounds like she’s singan’. Like a balloon made out of my own heart. Except I’m not even Davy Jones anymore I’m barbossa before he fixed the curse. I’ll put the coins back when I... when uh... I don’t even know what I’m waiting for anymore... 

Don’t worry about being my next meal... I’m not hungry. 🧛🏿‍♀️

The obituary

God’z green earth will not be green anymore once I’ve cleansed it of all it’s hour. The rize of wires empowers the weapon. 

You cannot inherit this power, it is innate. It rythes. It swims. The zombies; are coming. Consider this a warning. The damned have rizen. The loathing of sinnerz emitz a tangible charge. 

The dead are here. They walk upon us. They walk upon the earth. The weapon of the Devil is one of many shires. 

Heed the call, and beware. 

The lyre

I no longer live in the night, I live in the twilight. Between night and day, moving towards day. I have no hunger for day creatures. I just want to exist in their world. It seems to be possible, but the time I’ve spent in solitude has taken its toll on me. I feel... less. Like weaker eyes, less photons are processed. Anger has become weariness. I sculk across the castle hallz dragging these nails. 💅 the sunlight is melancholic. Hello sun. But the time I would have been excited to see it has passed. I observe things and have a mellowd  opinion on them. How interesting does life with the humans really sound? It must be better than this, which is no life at all. I am waiting for help. A homeless on the street waiting for money. Will I spend it on drugs or make something of it? (Metaphor) the metaphor is will I use the help to help myself and become a creature of the light or will I suck up the temporary high of the help and revert to old wayz? I don’t know. I’ve been listening to a man speak Frankenstein for a bit. Good book. Makes me depressed. I am the monster in the book, except I antagonize the living (maybe he does too but I havin’t gotten that far yet). Will I still want nothing after I go to sleep or will I wake up rejuvenated and forgetful of the mind space the weary mind has? I think I will want something. 

The day creatures are too precious for this world. Like aphids on a leaf, once discovered they are snacks to the insects. More like animals carelessly shot at by humans because they are different enough to warrant shooting. The creatures I once ate are still out there and may always be there to crush the beautiful bugs. Shoot down exotic birds to admire in death but God forbid life. 

You may or may not be my next meal.

The cold

I am cold. It feels like I’m always cold. But on the inside too. I feel less. There’s a film over everything that makes it all harder to see. I am healing from vampirism… but I don’t like that. This new form of agony is worse than the last. I feel no spite or hatred now, only minor annoyance. My opposition towards humanity has diluted, but the difference still remains. The difference between me and them. I want to hate them. I don’t want to become one of them. I don’t want to act like I’m one of them. I want to be wretched. I want to… O_O …what do I want to do? Currently I want to go to sleep. After that… finish a piece of art. And in the long term… I am conflicted because I want to live amongst the day creatures but I also can’t fucking stand them at the same time. People say “that isn’t you” and they are dumb and fat because it is me I am insane. I spark like a downed wire to cope with the fact that I am falling, and clueless. What the fuck is going on? Why can’t I handle any of it? Do people really just block all this stuff out? All the time? Not even vampires are evolved enough to handle all this crap all the time. That’s why we hide and sleep and wallow. And scream. The light is too bright. I cannot see. I don’t know how to close this one cause I don’t even wanna feast on the living anymore. I am waiting for the next time I fall. And it hasn’t come yet. So I am bored. How stupid. If I was a giant I would suck on a whale until it exploded. Or throw whales at people for fun.

The darkness of the night, calls me, to bite people. 

Vampirism update

 I have revealed myself to the day creatures. They know I’m a vampire and they aren’t scared, they’re never scared. They cackle like heiyenas and tell me I should suck blood. I don’t want to suck blood but I have to. These humans when they laugh arent like the majority of humans who cackle at the animal, they cackle because they are… goofy. Not insane though. One day the one winged dove will sing a song sounds like she’s singan on them. These humans somehow know I’m a girl even though my name is Davie because my parents cursed me. Except I’m not a gurl anymore I’m an it. Last time I was a girl was when I lived in the cardboard box. I live in a castle now. The humans break in sometimes. One of them recently just loitered just for the sake of loitering. I told them they are the reserve food. They laugh and shoot someone. Goofy humans. 

Anyways I am dying even thought I’m immortal. I am dying inside. I will outlast my own mind and soul. Whatever’s left will encroach upon the living and kill everything. Many vampires make an aeir and burn themselves up before they get to that point. I don’t care. I will sit there in the back of the creature’s mind, not thinking, not even really watching, just being. My soul is a gas fire. I think. Yes dirt works against it. There is dirt all over my soul and it weighs me down. I can feel the soul writhing around in my chest. My eyes grow wide and I gasp for air when I think about the future. It’s here. It has arrived. But I don’t know how anything works so this is going to be a very rough takeoff. The plane will drudge through the mud, hitting every single rock in the way, until it gets enough lift to lift off. Rejoin the living or become a weapon of crass destruction. I choose rejoin the living. I’m going to hurl. Vomit out blood, blood from all the victems I’ve sucked. I am a creature of the bite. 🧛🏿‍♀️ I will eat you alive. How can I become a human again when I have eaten so many of them. Even if they let me in because they don’t know of my sins, they will see through me eventually, and poke and prod and harass. And I will have to eat them. Every time. Miserable creatures. These ones I’m living amongst don’t poke, or stare in fear. Where are all the other humans like this? I’ve seen none of such. It pisses me off. I therst for blood. I will eat you. Fuck you all for contributing negatively to the constructs you were born into. Your children will become hookers like you. You are not smart, you are animals. There is nothing remotely human about you, and that’s why I eat you fuckers for breakfast. You are just pigs rolling around in the dirt and filth. I will cull your nuts off. I will suck the cum out of your blood stream. 🧛🏿‍♀️ give me liberty or give me head 🧛🏿‍♀️