It’s been over a year. It feels like longer though. (Edit: it’s been about two years. That’s why it felt longer). These past few months have been too long. I’m tired of not feeling like I’m in real life. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I was in real life. That may or may not be true, but I can’t verify it cause I can’t visit my past self to ask how things are going at the time.
I’m currently in an ongoing fight with someone who doesn’t even know they’re in a fight. But they also do, because my opponent is my mind. There are several people living in my head, but that’s not actually how it is. That’s a very simple and inaccurate way to put it. Each one comes out at different times, but that’s how it is for everyone, isn’t it? I just skipped a few steps. Sense is being lost. This happens all the time. It’s only once in a green moon that some sense actually gets to the people I’m talking to. I’m not living in a cardboard box under the railroad anymore, I’m trapped in a repeating cycle of four rooms. I’ve been in the cycle for too long. I hate metaphors like that cause they apply to bigger things like the human race or whatever. I’m tired of thinking, I need to stop somehow. I know ways how I just haven’t tried them yet. I need a job and I need to swim in mud for three days with no food. Only water. People talk about people being confined in small spaces for long periods of time going insane or whatever and I think that’s me. 2-3 weeks of scurrying around in a box with many distractions is more tiring than swimming for miles and miles. Depends on the situation though. Swimming for miles in an endless sea would be more tiring than scurrying around in a box full of distractions without sight of the future, or the light at the end of the tunnel whatever. The problem with the distractions is they only distract for so long, and then you start to lose feeling and start to think way too much. To balance the lack of physical pain, the mental pain becomes insufferable. We live on the earth under the sun. Being away from both depletes your ability to be joyful and enthusiastic and other things like those. I now have even more empathy to the people in the international space station than I did before.
Moral of the story: “touch grass” as they say on the Internet. Don’t stay inside for longer than 3 or so days, even if the government wants you to.
Emo for life, Punk Rock and bowl.
