the smell of the neighbors grilling masks the stench of my decaying flesh

Sangheili nerds

Stupid dumb ass Sangheili simps keep gatekeeping their forge worlds from me. Like dude just becaz I want to be a spartan they form a ring and spawn fight me 500 times till some get bord and they go to kill nubs somewhere in the base then the killer leaves eventually too. I can’t earn their respect it’s like I have to be a sangheli for them to treat me equally. Forget the noobs,I try to demonstrate sportsmanship, honor and benevolency but they don’t care cause I’m not good enough at the game to impress them like I don’t exactly ding their radar. Why R all the “social” servers full of people who don’t talk and they lock the doors to the base like dude did u make this server to voice chat with your scrubs or maybe even phone call just so you can kill randoms while you talk like that’s kind of funny but with a server name like “sangheili honor base, pride of the Zhor clan”, I expect to see the pride of the zhor clan. Apparently that pride is just sitting on a throne while the lesser ranks cuck the random Spartans in the server and give elites a chance to fight like I ain’t gonna pretend to be an elite I’m not clean enough for that I try to respect your aesthetic you should acknowledge mine. And the sadniss is all of these people are racist “white” people in real life (they can be not white but they act the same) racist halo puritans who say nasty things on other servers I bet but I mean I don’t know maybe I’m putting the sins of whoever’s convenient to my narrative onto others who have not sinned like that but some social servers people actually do talk and what’s funny is they’re meant for combat servers like why is everyone talking but no one wants to talk in the social room what does that say about society. But people say gross incel things like I joined and some guy immediately like the instant my username appeared said in chat “are you a girl I hope you’re a hot girl I’m stroking it right now” so gross and that was after I left that server for like 2 hours cause it was nasy and I came back and it’s even worse so bad dude. These guys should just kiss each other. But they’re homo phobic so they’re trapped in this firmament of no love. I mean maybe they have love of friends but friends who they have to joke about kissing they can’t just kiss it’s so sad. This game is confusing the culture is very old and still the same as it was back in its “peak” but now people say “lil bro” instead of bro. It’s really weird to see gen Z slang in a halo server. I like how people call it gen alpha slang no it is not. It’s actually not. Do not opress the next generation already. You invented these words and ways to put each other down. You use them. Gen alpha use them as a joke. For you idiots it’s real. And they have their own slang that isn’t talked about because you have a narrative. I hate to see these minuscule monsters turn out so similar to the boomer generation. Or maybe I’m thinking of another generation. I don’t remember. They kind of blend together. But yeah the sangheili are being racist because everyone is racist to them in other servers cause there still a minority and they stick out more than the Spartans so people target them more. Also we’re literally programmed to destroy sangheili in all the campaigns except halo 3. And halo 2 and ODST and some of 5. You Reach sangheili are always so tempting to crack like a walnut but I ignore my instinkts becaz I just want to see your forge worlds and watch you spar and maybe talk to you but I only talk if people talk first cause I want a natural communication with the wildlife. I’m going to sleep now. UNSC drowned rat reporting for going to sleep and hoping the construction guys aren’t afraid of the skulls. I keep forgetting they’re there. If you think about it, I think a sangheili is kind of as big as a horse. I just deleted this whole post by accident because of OCD but luckily this site has a built in undo button. Im too tired to remember if im sad. I don’t know what’s going on. I apparently come from a long line of alchaholic s so I drinked but I didn’t feel any better about anything. And what’s the difference between being too drunk to stand and just sleeping. I mean in terms of escaping the sadness. Sleeping is just better like I’m kind of disappointed alchahol isn’t the solution to my problems. But it’s not entirely off the table yet. I don’t even remember how long ago it was that I stopped being a soldier of light. Let’s see. It was basically uh. I don’t know some eras ago. I’m legitimately having trouble understanding how much time has passed since then. But I think I remember it was a gradual process. But it really concluded pretty hard kind of recently maybe. I don’t know all I have in my head is halo and I can’t remember much else cause it’s locked up or like archived so I gotta kind of dig for it but I don’t really want to. I should stop thinking about important things now and just go to sleep. So I can think about them tomorrow. I want to make some friends again. That was one of the things was don’t make friends. I forgot that was a rule. Maybe it’s a good idea though. But it was friends online / in the demon verse. Real life is good. But takes a long time.

Signing off,

Spit

Emo colors tier list: revisited

I've lurned a bit more about emo since I maid this. I lerned there is an emo outclave called "scene". where they use neon colors. it's pretty cool and they're opressed so neon colors are ok. also it's an elitist take to say red isn't emo enough. shadow the hedgehog is peak emo design. well, almost. he has no piercings or earings. if he had some drip he'd be prime emo but he's kind of base form on his own. nice hair and colors though. super emo. any color can contribute to emo as long as youre wearing enough black, and evn then, theres ways to be emo without wearing any black. emo is powerful. it transcends color. and that is beautiful. 

Title

Memento moris on my doorstep. Ghosts of a decade-long crime. At the river's edge, reminders are hung for both terrestrial and marine. 

When I crawl out from the lake, the air is sharp. When I see the stones I remember the possibility of beauty. The skulls remind me to be inquisitive. 

Mourning the death of someone still living

I feel guilty for not helping everyone I could've helped if I wasn't dying like this. theyre still alive, and theyre crumbling, because no one is around to help. but they thought i could help. i think i need to explain they were wrong. but they dont see that. they try to find ways to not be wrong, and then dig us both deeper into a hole. i just hope someone please shows up and helps those people. fuck. 

I can't sleep so I can't heal. The pain, the terror, and fear. It lives here. in my head. it makes everything scary. it's what makes everything not happen. I need it gone. it doesnt leave. i need chemicles to hinder the constant regeneration of my tainted cells. when they do not grow in the brain, when they have no power, I am alive. I am only alive once every few thousand years. humanity accelerates so much inbetween them. i feel like every day is in a new era. because there are thousands of yearz in between those days. thousands of years of the vampire. the one that does not live., but works to keep another alive. one that has already died a long time ago. but it still exists in here. so i have to utilize it, because i do not live without it. the blueprint for what could be, the only way i know there is something more than what is. 

i dont even remember what it means to feast on the living. i dont know if i killed people or if i just killed bad guys or whats up. i might have to read previous posts to know what it really means. some people look at me with good eyes but i dont know if they also forgot or if they didnt see it or whats happening and i dont even know if they see the filth and bones through the layer of the water. what do they see from up there. i dont know if the construction at the wherever it was has completed. i havent seen outside the air in a long time. i dont think theyre done though cause i still hear odd sounds that dont make any sense. i dont like being inactive because all it does is make time pass. nothing gets better. when i put my foot down all im really doing is preventing myself from taking a step forward. or a trip and fall. nobody is going to dredge me out but me. i wonder if this blog platform will get deleted some day and nobody will even know i was ever down here. remember google +. i remember it. i also remember everything else i had to move stuff off of because it went kaput. archiving data is exhausting. especially when you're underwater. and covered in filth. i hate these little bugs that have scary faces that look like theyre gonna bite me. i dont know what they're called so i just call them motherfucker bugs or something. 

i dont know what to put as the closing sentence. i miss ketchup ass. thats a person.