eternal night

it is always night time. I wait for the sun every night and it never comes up. I am stuck with the horrors my eyes dont see that like these images that paralyze me with fear fuck you fuck you who are you fuck off. the little human voices murmer every day. they are building things near my box house. it is not a secluded place anymore. i am kinda sad about that. i dont know if im gonna move or just stay here because i am not alive either way. but they might try to kill me so i dont know. maybe i should destroy them all but i dont know. I dont know how to face the creature in my head. its black with hints of purple and stands in a dimension of terror and construed view. everything is from the far away dimension but its all wrong and its a prison. i hate it i hate the night i hate it i hate the nightmares i hate the bullshit oh my god my arms hurt i am so weak. typing hurts. i murdered 7,000 people recently. just kiding. i dont know how many it was. it was a very little amount but i was so inefficient with it i think i am dying. i fear death, for i have not yet lived. but i have. but it was not i who was living at that time. it was him. the one who lives in here with me, who ,,, why are my fingers moving on their own. i hate this state where i cant sleep but i am so tired that everything is fucked up. i am expecting something horrifying creatre to show up but it doesnt. it just lurks and watches me. so fucking creepy. i cant see it but i can feel something. like when the venom symbiote got hit by radio waves. i dont know if i am insane or if something bad is bound to happen. what it dont know what i might be feelin. i think to beat this current insanity i need to activate the secual urges. sexual. think about the sex . combust the organs . i when i see the word sex or even htis font i see the creature i hate that thing it reminds me of the night god but its scarier i think it is him though. i hate how i see too many everythings that i cant do one that's good because i dont think about what happens next. no i do i mean i dont care. but its not that i dont care. i dont know how to explain it. its like i dont know or am incapable of caring, like an animal. when you point a gun at a frog it doesnt care. maybe it knows it could kill it or maybe not but it doesnt move. why. i dont know why but im that frog a lot of the time. i never feel like a human i dont know how to deal with humans like most of them i just want to pop their heads off and the others i want to give them food. the mean ones are so stupid. but i just kill them and like its so annoying cause i cant make them stop being stupid. i hate their eyes. and their mouths. cunts. i hate you so much i wish i could do my evil voodoo magic on you but i cant because i will get shot at. youre so lucky you dont recognize me cause i could ,,,, i could solve nothing. why do you contort yourself into such a vile an hideous creature. i hate that you do that. i hate that you exist like that for years. please someone tell me they actually grow out of that phase. i dont have any personal experience with that cause its been 900 years and i havent grown out of this. but why do i want to be good, unlike them? if i was ok with being evil then life would be easier. i dont know how to like there are so many pieces of me and they all shattered into different colors i dont know how to put them together again. i dont think there was one clean thing there in the first place. im going mad the insanity is back i dont know what to do about it i think i need to write a note of what to do when the insanity happens. i think i did that a lot actually but i lose them. if i do make a new one i will try not to lose this one, as if it is a limb. like a sixth finger on one hand. my hands are shaking. my arms in addition to feeling aching they are hot. my neck is tangy and my head is spinny. i feel like a skeleton with only skin no organs or flesh like it all turned to dust except some matter still clinging on. i need to get my body in a better state but i go literally anywhere and people show up and a tradgedy occers. even in my own dark crevice where no one can live but the one who lurks there. maybe i will kidnap one of the construction people and make them sleep in the box fort with me to have company. id probably wake up and they would be gone or the police would be setting my house on fire because "homeless" people are not even worth speaking to apparently. just dispatch of them and move along. 

remember guys emo is as emo does. punk rock and scroll. see you next time never. to anyone reading this stay away because i will harm you. thats not a threat its solemn advice i wish i didnt have to give. dinner is dangerous. 

Weekly absence of peace

It seems like at least once a week the madness escapes and takes over my vessel. I gain immense blood thirst and feel insane. I writhe and scream but there is no danger, but there is and it’s inside me like a virus. I love horrible nightmares they’re so fucking funny. I also love forcing myself to sleep to escape the madness. It doesn’t work. It follows me into my nightmares. I turn to narcotic substances to shield my brain from the madness. It may just make it worse. I don’t know now if I will fall asleep again or rise. I hate having some place to be at a specific time. The madness doesn’t like it, and does everything in its power to make me fucking miss that one time out of all the other fucking hours of the night, or day. Fuck you. I’mmmdjmdf I c can’t see very well. Oh shit that was in my nightmare. Fucking hell I hate this shit.  

I AM FRUSTURATED 😡

 THIS SHIT IS REDICULOUS. 

OH MY GOD YOU CANT CHANGE THE PAGE COLOR FUCK . ALRIGHT THEN STARE  AT THIS EYE HURTING CONTRAST AND SHIT. 

I HATE HUMANITY. THAT ISN'T NEW. I HATE MOVING. I HATE HIDING. FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU STOP ACTING LIKE YOU WANNA BE AROUND ME. CAUSE WHENEVER I DO ANYTHING I ACTUALLY WANT TO DO YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME LIKE THE CREATURE I AM AND RUN AND THROW KNIVES IN FEAR AND I HAVE TO FUCKING EAT YOU. 

AAAAAAAAAA A AA A A AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AAA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AAA AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AA A A A AA A. A A A. AA A A. AA A. A A. A A A. A A. A A. A A A. A A A 

 Jul 4, 2022

i just wanna flip to a nocturnal schedule so i can create my feast on the living already but i gotta is the way to the is the i gotta be awake to see people cause everyone wants a piece of me oh my god every time i think ive figured things out something throws me off and im trying to climb back up the edge of the cliff again maybe i should just write everything down so my future self can remember how to be like the me standing on top of the cliff so when the rain comes and i get washed back down the water spout i will know how to not get washed out i am the itsy bitsy spider and i dont like it.

Returning to darkness

I was feeling good for a bit and then the wires came and made me LOSE IT again and I had TERRIBLE NIGHTMARES and now the darkness of the night is calling me to BITE people again. At this moment the OCD is really bad I’m not just doing things three times I’m doing them like 6-9 times or more. It’s so annoying. I’m freaking the fuck out and I want to murder people again. Like go out and find every sicko on the planet and obliterate a large portion of them. I don’t remember what the wires are but I found a picture I drew on my phone of them and it looks like music bars going through my head I wonder what that means. I may remember again if I slip into complete insanity again. 

I wonder what I was trying to tell myself.

I remember there were real wires though. Those were real wires. I could control them. That was when that woman was there. I think she made the other wires ring. Or maybe that was venom. I’m going to go to sleep and this time with duck tape on my ears s I can’t so I can’t hear the train passing overhead. I can still hear the vibrations though. I mean feel. Maybe I need to slow down a bit. Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Well I’m not chasing a waterfall more like uh… I don’t know. But it’s not a destructive path. But I think thinking too much makes my brain crazy. And then it needs more blood. Like a zombie. 

Emo for life punk rock and bowl. 🧛🏿‍♀️💜