Hell

Why are all the nightmarish horrors I so fervently tried to clear from my head appearing in the real world? Early AI generated images are just straight up horrific to me, not only because of that shit about their effect on society, but also just cause they’re creepy as fuck. The way they never quite get everything right, and always fuck up faces and shit, it’s just straight up body horror. When I waz young sometimes I laid awake in bed and pressed on my eyes in tension from fear and writhed and my brain produced an onslaught of horrific images and they looked very similar to the AI images. So every time I see them I feel an innate horrific fear and insanity and want to just start tearing apart the landscape around me. They’re getting less creepy but stupid cunts who make horror games and stuff will no doubt use AI to create shit they’re too cunty to think up themselves. Curse this mind for being a forge of horrors. Curse it too for being a foundry of light that cannot freely escape its walls. I despise humanity.

Aside from horrific imagery, absurd scenarios I could only imagine have now been happening before my own eyes. Imagine someone died a few days ago and someone in your class says “bro got sent back to the lobby” with no shame. And you wait for someone to say “what the fuck is wrong with you?” But no one does. There are low mumbles like “dude’s fucked haha”  and some people quietly express their disapproval, but no one gives a shit to try to correct the despicable thing. The professor just stared and said “wow” and continued his ranting. 

And a few years ago when a maniac sensually dragged a knife up my spine. I didn’t even murder anyone. My appearance alone was enough of an excuse for him to take the cap off his bottle of aged depravity. Every night I think about how I should have torn the tubes from his neck, and incinerated his sperm, so that he may never disgrace the earth with his children. An immense regret I cannot live past. 

And the lack of discretion around children. This may be more debatable but I think that in relation to specifics of our culture, children should not be exposed to such immense vulgarities and pollutants. There are nine year olds running around sipping nitrous oxide or whatever that air soft canister shit is while they say every swear word in and out of the books at everyone. Get out of the road with your bike, you have a bike lane, and how dare you fucking swear and throw shit at the drivers you’re causing problems for? It’s so sad. It’s like everyone constantly needs an extreme outlet. I mean look at me, I violently consume the blood of criminals. I scream at the sky, I tear up the earth. Most other people are now just doing the same. But they’re not strong enough to try to minimize their damages on others. Everyone is a wretched creature, in pain, and I hate that. I’m supposed to be an outlier. This is not how everyone is supposed to feel. I hate this country. I hate the indifference to declination. The boat is sinking but most aren’t alive enough anymore to care. 

I hate hearing “it’s not your job” because I want the job done and if I won’t do it then no one will. I do not wish to live in mediocrity. I fucking hate it. If I have the power to make things better then let me do my work because most of the time I can’t. I could do so much more if I wasn’t eternally FUCKED IN THE HEAD. I have every capability and moral to save the fucking world but I don’t because when I put things into practice they GET TAINTED BY THE MADNESS AND WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC COMES OUT AS AGONIZING SCREECHING. I NEED THE SUPPORT AND POSITIVITY FROM OTHERS TO BE WELL ENOUGH TO THRIVE BUT EVERYONE I KNOW IS ALSO IN NEED. A BUNCH OF EMPTY WATERING CANS RATTLING AROUND IN A DESERT. OH, HOW I AWAIT THE RAIN. 

A SICKNESS HAS TAKEN HOLD OF MY BODY AND I WANT NOTHING ELSE THAN TO JUMP INTO THE WATERS AND FREE MYSELF FROM THIS DECAY AND FILTH. 

How am I still alive? What is keeping my cells together? Who has decided that I may continue to live? Is it God?